Brewing Something New

For one reason or another I've had a really hard time trying to adjust to this time at home. The beginning nights were easy, it was a breath of fresh air and continual rest, but now it just feels like there's a bit of anxiety walking around. I'm not too sure why, and it's not sitting easy in my bones. I keep waking up in the middle of the night trying to put the pieces together, but I'm never too sure what pieces are missing. So, right now, I'm just smack dab in the middle, hoping that God will fortify me in the ways that I'm striving toward.

Don't get me wrong, I'm trying to relax. I really am. I beat my body up too much last semester and toward the end, my heart just wasnt in the game anymore. I had started shutting off two months before and recognizing that now is just two months too late. And now, sitting at home with Manchester in the background, I'm trying to keep that in perspective. I'm trying to just live for the moment, but something just feels so stiff. Something just feels like it hasn't connected yet. Hasn't let me fully enjoy my time.

I spent way too much energy this past semester missing out on the things that matter and the blessings and relationships that God has so graciously provided me with. I need to climb out from the depths of this funk and renew myself. Renew my body, and completely and totally enjoy that which is right in front of me. It's the true way to live.

Maybe this is too "writer-esque" for some people, but it's raining here in New Jersey. As much as I'm not a fan of rain and mess, maybe this is what we need tonight. Maybe this is what I need in order to come out on the other side and make sense of the key greatness planted in my life. Maybe I need to be drenched, soaked in apprehension before the truth comes in the aftermath. A storm breaks some people. A storm uproots others. A storm's about to change this girl. She needs it after the semester she's been having.

I need to reinvest some time and some heart with my family. It's been hard adjusting back here- realizing that my parents have had to make some changes because my brother and I are no longer living here. It's always hard uprooting your life in one place, and making it back to a completely different one. One that's different and familiar all in the same breath. So, I'm just praying that in the next few days God will give me the strength and guidance to get through some of this confusion. To be flooded with peace instead of the current state of things.

I'm working on personal statements for grad school and realizing that the future never gets any easier. Whoa, welcome to real world, right? Feels like maybe I should have gotten here a little bit sooner, but nonetheless, I'm trying to grapple with that truth as well. I know in that if I keep chipping away at the requirements things will get done. It's weird, but its in writing that I can feel God closest to me. In writing and in genuine conversation. The reliance on words and on speaking His truth is what I was created to do I guess. It feels good to have that solidarity going into such shaky territory.

I'm not doing any of this for personal gain- a sentiment I wrote in personal statement #2 today. I'm doing it in order to speak a greater message of hope and faith. It's no longer about my abilities and my desires of helping people; it's about the idea of professing something bigger than myself and having the courage to guide that path in whatever I do. I'm praying for continued strength and peace in these endeavors.

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year.

Kaylene

For thought: try digesting these lyrics:

"And I could tell that when you fell the future never planned on getting easier
God has never been afraid to fill our cups with more than they could hold
Til they all overflow and we drown once and for all"-Manchester "apprehension"

There's always been something about this song that's broken me to the core. When I'm by myself and listening I cry almost every single time. It's beautiful.
Music always has this funny way of shaking and vibrating my existence. These guys do it all of the time.

Manchester Orchestra- Where have you been?

Blog update to come!

Sparked

It's 3 am and I'm dying to blog, but this song is just everything to me right now. I'm not meant to get lost in this ridiculousness of finals, of the stress and the pressure. It's not worth it for the bigger goals in life. For His goals.

Today marks the day where stress releases from my body and stops taking up space.

Having faith: that's my call.

A writer's crooked identity

I was just asked to write an essay about the nature of workshop for my poetry and fiction class this semester. Within the essay we were asked to share some of our feelings regarding writing and how we think that workshop has begun to change us over the semester. It feels weird sharing my feelings within an academic setting, even weirder to know that some of this low self esteem will be shared with a professor, but 8 pages later and this is what I've come up with. If you've ever wanted to know how I see myself as a writer, this is exactly it.

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Kayleen Oliver

EN 212/ Jones

Workshop Reflection

12/8/11

            This semester has been an intensive 15 weeks to come together, work hard, and learn about myself as a both a student and writer. In conjunction with a class like Poetry & Fiction where I’m asked to regain my identity as a creative writer, I’m also participating in Senior Thesis class. Needless to say, these are quite the combination when presented in the same semester, both writing centered, but for entirely different purposes. My thesis is centered on the works of Native American fiction writer, Louise Erdrich; I’ve really connected to the way she conducts herself as a writer and in reflecting it seems like some of those characteristics have carried over to Poetry & Fiction, perhaps subconsciously. As I’ve been doing research and reading a variety of her novels and poetry Louise Erdrich confidently explains, “Here I am, where I ought to be. A writer must have a place where he or she feels this, a place to love and be irritated with”(Lundquist) which is precisely how I feel about the nature of workshop.

The implementation of workshop has been a definite challenge for me as an individual and writer simply because it demands that I release my guard and become vulnerable to achieve results. However, after a semester long process I’ve come to understand that workshop is a environment for me to love and become irritated with in the same breath; it is this combination that has allowed me to exude confidence in my writing while attempting to uncover ways to challenge myself to balance the writing process between moments of love and passion, coupled with those of frustration and bitterness. This sincere communion and the feedback from those in workshop has allowed me to also simultaneously combat thesis; acknowledging the bursts love for my topic joined by the frustration of maintaining research and an effective purpose in writing for the final presentation this May. This semester has been a challenging one, but has been coupled with encouragement all the same. Workshop has forced me to take ownership for my writing and the pieces that I have been able to construct while simultaneously causing me to be vulnerable in a classroom setting. While people’s comments have challenged me there have also been a number of works distributed and studied throughout the course of the semester, which have given me great perspective, furthering my identity as a developing writer.

            Within her critical anthology “Poems, Poets, & Poetry” writer Helen Vendler includes another prominent figure of the Native American genre: Sherman Alexie. Although I had the chance to experience Alexie’s writing in prior studies of Native American literature I recognized that those experiences pertained most closely to fiction writing while Vendler began to introduce his poetry. She includes one piece, “Evolution” that yearns to push the envelope while providing great commentary of Native Americans and the struggle toward assimilation. Exposure, whether emotionally or socially, is Alexie’s great craft, which I yearn to bring to my work. For example, in this piece Alexie writes, “The Indians/ pawn their hands, saving the thumbs for last/ they pawn their skeletons”(lines 8-10) and while this line is graphic and sits uneasily with readers, Sherman Alexie still manages to present a great social and emotional message. Throughout each of his pieces, fiction and poetry alike, Alexie works skillfully to put his readers in the thick of controversy while introducing images promoting emotional upset. He displays great confidence in writing, in exposing the truth, and this is what I hope for as I continue forward in my writing career.

            Perhaps more interesting than his heavy imagery and unsettling presentation is the ways by which his pieces offer humor coupled with the truth utilizing simplistic language. He retorts, “when the last Indian has pawned everything but his heart/ Buffalo Bill takes that for twenty bucks”(lines 11-12). This line presents the concept of greed, of selfishness, and an overwhelming quest for dominance over the powerless; he presents each of these ideas in simple form and yet, no tension is lost as people read his piece. Perhaps this is one concept I feel like I have struggled with most throughout workshop. I have acquired a defense mechanism in order to combat the low self- esteem that introduces itself continually throughout my work; instead of being fluid and capturing the overhead story of what I’m trying to say I manage to get lost in detail and this transfers to my reader.

I remember workshop for my first poetry piece, “God Swell” where students in the class shared their confusion of the piece and its general theme. Some said it was simply too long while Zach shared that there were just too many snapshots of images being presented; he claimed that every time he began to digest a facet of my work the image was changed and he had to struggle through it once again. While they noted the power of lines such as, “from your forearm to the heart of the problem” each explained the overwhelming heaviness they felt in trying to stomach this piece. Instances such as these are ones where I recognize that rambling and useless enjambment have become a defense mechanism for me to get lost in the words instead of feeling confident to convey the message of my work. While simplicity seems enticing and effective in pieces like Sherman Alexie I can’t seem to write anything other than an overwhelming canvas of mixed up thoughts and swelling emotions. The pieces I create then, somehow attempt to keep up with the ways of a busy mind; whether it’s in length or form, I’m always attempting to manage the anxiety of writing and sharing such experiences. It is in this way and through such comments that workshop has actually made me realize how I function has a writer and some of what I need to change in order to accommodate those around me who might be reading this piece. Workshop, in this sense, has also forced me to commit my ideas and language to paper, accepting that pairs of eyes would slowly glance across my writing and provide feedback.

While Alexie is a writer I’ve previously experienced, his poem “Evolution” is one I had not yet stumbled upon. Within the anthology suggested I found this piece and was immediately stunned at the tactics and surprises he continues to use in writing; while writing about serious topics such as culture and devastation, I realized that Alexie creates moments of humor so as not to overwhelm his readers. Instead, he longs for his work to be a teaching moment for audiences; they receive the hard- hitting message without getting lost in the struggle that the piece actually centers on. This is a technique that I believe workshop, the comments given, and Alexie’s work have inspired me to work toward. Although I attempt to hide my anxieties of both workshop and writing behind an overwhelming amount of words and description, and although it feels comfortable to shield from exposure, this hinders readers from actually knowing and understanding who I am as writer. Furthermore, it hinders me from ever feeling confident enough to effectively share and communicate my writing in the talented way that Alexie does. Therefore, although I may have experienced Alexie’s raw writing before, it is his poetry that has greatly begun to challenge my writing abilities; I must remain both committed and confident in the message of my writing and eventually desire to share my perspective with those around me. Workshop has begun to slowly crack open that shell while breaking the shield of comfort I had previously built.

Perhaps I should say that during workshop the emotional component was always the one to make me most anxious. Although we only workshop two pieces throughout the semester I consistently wondered, “What will people think of me: a story about a girl with an eating disorder and a poem about self injury and religion? What the heck am I trying to be? Who’s even going to take it seriously?” I spent a lot of time wondering whether how I would be perceived in the class, wondering whether people would actually see me for the stories and vulnerability I’d volunteered to recreate. It’s not to say I wanted to exude sympathy, but I worried that the emotion would be too deep to be taken as a serious writer and student.

 Upon examining this particular anthology further I came across another famous writer, Sylvia Plath, and was instantly reminded of her journals, her poem, “Mirror” and most notably, her novel The Bell Jar. However, Vendler’s collection had a new work to offer entitled, “The Applicant.” After reading over this piece and trying to effectively understand the social commentary behind her contemplative words, I realized that Plath’s writing was challenging me much like Alexie’s work had previously done. While asking me to tackle the truth of social constructs and twisted expectations of society Plath’s poem also enabled me to see that emotion in poetry is key. The first line of the poem reads, “First, are you our sort of a person?” in which readers are immediately introduced to great thought and the anxiety of perception; these are two internal emotions that I consider myself very much attached to. Not only is she presenting this to her audience, identifying that there is a mold within society, but she seems to questioning herself and her particular place within such a mobile and busy construction. This line makes me wonder what kind of person I am in relation to those around me along with the somewhat warped way that I perceive myself. At a later portion of the poem Plath explains great frustration of routine when her speaker says, “A living doll, everywhere you look. /It can sew, it can cook,/ It can talk, talk , talk (lines 33-5).” This could be examined to emphasize how mechanical and rigid Plath feels within her environment, fearful to break the mode of what’s expected.

Although she is known for the great challenges throughout her life, and of course, her act of suicide, Plath’s introspective poetry has taught me a great deal about what I hope to achieve as a continually developing writer. Using pieces such as “The Applicant” to support my perspective, I’ve learned that it’s not so much about fitting the mold of what’s expected to be conveyed in a classroom, as much as it is about recognizing ourselves as a writer and communicating the truth, whatever shape truth may assume. I had read many of Sylvia Plath’s works early on in my high- school career, but none ever hit as close as “The Applicant” which I had never read before receiving this assignment. In reading her work and attempting to digest some of the vulnerability she presented in this piece I began to understand that if there’s emotion and heavy subjects within my writing (such as eating disorders, self injury, and depression) I’m going to keep them intact because they’re meant to be there. Although my pieces might have been written for an assignment, meant to be shared with members of my class, each told a particular story of some greater part of my life. A greater struggle or a greater victory was communicated and instead of living in fear of how it’s going to be perceived revisiting Plath’s work taught me an even greater lesson: writing and sharing aren’t about the perceptions that we get from other people, it’s about the ability to recognize an active thought and bravely share it into the world. Was I fearful of bringing these issues into workshop: of course. Did I spend a lot of time comparing my style and subjects to those around me: more than anyone can imagine. I think that’s where workshop took its greater hold of me and my anxiety as a writer, one who’s never been to sure of herself from the beginning.

However, after completing the course and the workshops asked of us, after receiving feedback and actively participating in discussion of my work, I began to realize, much like Sylvia Plath’s works, that I wasn’t writing for the tastes of others. Instead, I was writing to satisfy myself, to convey a type of message, and to share the truth of who I am as a writer and person. There’s no greater moment than a realization such as that.

Initially in my research for thesis and my discovering of Louise Erdrich’s writing I stumbled upon the aforementioned quote: “A writer must have a place where he or she feels this, a place to love and be irritated with” and even after writing this reflection and examining some of my habits as a student I’ve still managed to feel the same. Workshop for me has been a place where a community is built and an appreciation of writing is fostered; this is something I love and greatly respect. It’s been a moment where we can all sit back and appreciate the language that has been presented while seeing each other be continually tested as students. However, it’s also been a situation that I personally have been irritated with; this is not due to the class itself, but the moments of anxiety that I can feel beginning to build as my day of workshop comes closer on the syllabus. I become irritated and disappointed with my work, feeling as though there’s more to be done and a greater amount to be accomplished before sharing what I perceive as “rubbish” with the class. Workshop has always been a moment for me to be kept on my toes, one that constantly leaves me questioning my writing and my place within the greater realm of writers that I see at Arcadia.

However, in skimming through some works of the anthology, “Poems, Poets, and Poetry” I’ve realized that my self- esteem is in desperate need of fortification. It is through the painfully humorous works of Sherman Alexie and the contemplative truths of Sylvia Plath that I have been challenged to revamp myself as a writer. Each of these esteemed writers and their presented poetry have introduced me to a new tactic of writing that I desperate to attempt. Furthermore, each of them have allowed me to recognize that while vulnerability and emotion are meant to constructed in writing, so too is confidence to share my perspective with those who are willing to listen.

Take Her Home

PENSKA
MARIETTA C. (nee Campbell), Nov. 17, 2011. Wife of Ronald E. Penska, mother of Leigh Ann and Zachary W. Penska

If there's one thing I'm feeling today? It's the overwhelming desire to be with a family I know best. I just called my mom; they're about to go to her life celebration, and my heart is just breaking not being there. I'd. give. anything just to be with them, to bolster them up and make them stronger in love.

Hey God, just be there harbor today. Be there harbor for months to come. Give them peace in Your breath of life, give them hope & comfort in Your shoulders. Be with them and provide shelter.

Marietta, I love you deeply. You've been a wonderful inspiration, mother, daughter, wife, friend, mentor, and follower. I might be at school today, but my heart is with your family today and days after.

Heavy heart, but finding hope,

Kaylene

Telling Your Story

It's strange to think that it's been a month since updating this whole journey; it's obvious much has  happened between then and now. So much so that my heart swells just thinking about it, wondering if maybe I'll be able to put into words somehow. That's always the most daunting for me, but the time's knocking once more, so I'm going to go ahead and just breathe it in.

I'm writing thesis. Yup, thesis. That's its own mountain, but it wouldn't be a dream if I didn't take the time to climb to the heart and over it. When May comes I'll be ready academically. I just don't know if I'll be ready to head away from this place, from this home that's been made once my feet have been grounded here. Arcadia, and the people here, have greatly imprinted memories on my heart, and I don't think I tell them that enough. I cannot fathom how encouraged I feel here. This is home. It's crazy where God's going to put us when we feel at our weakest point. Man oh man.

I'm working on Grad School applications. Yup, that's happening. What? Weird. This is the next chapter and as terrified as I might be, I'm ready to dip my toes in a new pool and see what comes out of it. I've been molded so much already in a variety of ways, why not step up to the plate once again, right? I've got four schools to apply to right now (2 of which are Seminary) and I'm getting more and more excited about them with every breath. This just seems like the wonderful leap I'm supposed to take. Letting myself go in the direction of God's grace, not looking to calculate and my own answers. My own plans.

It's a great feeling when you feel rooted in existence.

I still can't fathom what happened today and I definitely cannot process the work in my heart tonight. 12:50 am and I feel the most alive I have in quite some time. God does that. Baptism does that. 21 years old, years struggling with God, years spent reaching selfishly for my own answers, and one summer to flip that upside down completely.

I was Baptized today. Whoa.

Funny thing? All day and all day yesterday I just kept feeling this nervous feeling in my gut. Not nervous for becoming completely immersed in God, but just for taking this step myself. For being independent in this new chapter of my story, but knowing that I have had some of the best support ever before. All day I kept just sitting in my room, at my desk, on my bed, in our kitchen, just praying to God. Taking a deep breath and letting it all being released.

I've always been a worry wort. always. But there was a point today (probably the moment in my kitchen) when I just broke and realized that this, this put of feelings and the topsy turvy ridiculous path of my stomach was simply God loving me. It was simply just a moment where He was coming to say, "Hey. I'm shaking you up, and I know it. I know I do that, but today's the day. Today's the day you've committed to this and to me, and I love you for that." Who discovers that feeling and that truth in their kitchen at 12:30 in the afternoon? This girl.

My parents will never know this, simply because they're my parents and it wasn't a big deal, but having them there today (as much as they've struggled with Faith) melted my heart more than words can ever truly say.  Parents always have this way of taking your world, taking a decision you've made, and just completely flipping you upside down. It's nuts, and I can't stop thanking God for that connection. Not now, not ever. I had no idea that they would be there until Thursday of this week and given everything that's happened? It's exactly what I needed.

So, this is new life. Today's new life. This begins the rest of my life. This begins the next chapter of a wonderful message. Of an even greater relationship and my heart's already heavy just thinking of it. Diving in and letting go is the best combination I've experienced and I wish I could put it better into words right now.

I felt wasted. My life felt dry. My life felt bruised and dazed, spaced out and far from purpose. It's so amazing how the decision to reconnect with God can spark such a change in these months. I felt drained. I felt disappointed. I felt confused. Empty. Stricken. Mechanical. A storm was the only thing that existed.

And now, I'm just completely flipped. This summer has changed me more than words can ever express. I've been loved by the greatest there is and I can't wait to see the challenges, the encouragements He's got planned. There's always a tapestry and i'm ready to see it.

For the longest time I felt like my own island. And that's simply because I let myself paddle out there and sit, still.

Coming back to the harbor is the best homecoming ever experienced. Open arms are the most comfort I've felt.

There was story begun today. An amazing, overly emotional story today where I just completely let go and hand it all to God. It's not for me to figure out, not for me to plan, not for me to calculate or understand. It's just for me to learn to love. Just for me live like the one who loves me most. Whoa.

There's a whole heck of a lot of emotion today, but I've found the best shelter possible. Today has changed. everything. And I'm so happy. So full. So ready to keep looking forward to God's greatest plan.

Caylynn & The Sovereigns: I don't even know how to say this. There's literally no amount of words that can EVER shape the things I need to say. Thank you. Even then, that's not enough. Thank you for walking with me on this whole journey and continuing to do so. Thank you for being my home away from home. I have no idea, absolutely no idea, where i would be without each of you. It's crazy the people God puts in our lives; but I've got the dream team in mine. I love you all so very much.

Am I challenged? HECK YES. Challenged to get this work done. Am I encouraged? HECK YES.  Encouraged by this new life and this perfect chapter of my life.

John 3:16

This is everything,
Kaylene

Interruption

I'm applying for a mission trip program with my campus fellowship group to go to Nicaragua. The application asks for a written testimony. It took me a few days, but this is exactly it. I thought about deleting things, but this is my story. This is God in action.
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            Although I was raised in Roman Catholic household and grew up with a great sense of faith in my childhood years, that sentiment began to lose standing, as I grew older. We became the twice a year Christians attending church on Christmas and Easter with scattered donations throughout the year. Faith became a fallen phenomenon at home and I assumed that I was meant to go along with the trend. Throughout the early years of middle school I continued straying from God and the plans that He had set in my life. I became distant from God and failed to look for an accurate reason for such abandonment; I continued being selfish and turning my back to God’s grace entirely. Destruction seemed to feel better than redemption.

            My best friend died at the age of ten from a pre-existing medical condition; his death rattled me to the core and made me question myself for years to come. It was then that I actually became angry with God while being thoroughly disappointed in myself as an individual of the world. Seventh grade was the moment that I locked God away, swallowed the key, turned out the light, and tried to make sense of the pain for myself. The journey became a time where I didn’t think God wanted me to be a member of His kingdom and instead of fighting for a place, instead of reaching out to Him and asking for answers, I fell to temptation and low self- esteem.

Shortly after Michael died, I began to self-harm. The dangers of such behavior became my safe harbor from the pain of Michael’s death and the grief that tended to overtake my heart. Instead of talking and processing my feelings I spent 8-12^th grade and some of college, taking it out on my body. With each moment of weakness I could feel Satan on one side calling my name, telling me this was usual, and Jesus on the other awaiting my return to His strong pillars. Instead of running to the presence of His grace I continued down the road of despair, of physical and psychological pain; a path of vulnerability I wish no one to endure.  At that point my life it felt as though all the lights had been turned off and I wasn’t even given a flashlight to peek. In reality, God was at the watchtower the whole time.  It’s taken a few trials and tribulations within the past year of my life with the people around me to know that God has been on my side forever.

This Spring I attended a local church with one of my best friends at college. Upon walking into the church that Sunday I remember wondering whether I was worth it. I remember thinking that maybe I had become this great and utter disappointment to God; that if He saw me with people who really wanted and understood how to worship Him that I was a failure. The service began and the pastor initiated his prayer saying that he hoped each of the people sitting before him would leave the service feeling both challenged and encouraged. I watched that morning as people continually reached out to God, laying their hearts down for Him to mold and shape with whatever message they are meant to take away. I remember sitting there feeling like a slacker; I couldn’t feel the weight of God and in that moment I wanted to. I wanted to understand the grace of God simply for my own choice independent of my past, of my moments being angry and resentful of the things God had placed in my life.

I remember coming back to campus that afternoon, sitting on my bed after the service, and finally talking to God after years spent abandoning Him. I remember feeling worthless and being filled to the brim with sadness, but I asked Him, “God, if you can, and if you really are there, please just forgive me like you know how. Show me that it’s okay to stumble in Faith and help me come back to You.” That afternoon became yet another time in my life when I wondered whether I needed approval.  I prayed and wrote in my journal for the next two hours, and at the end of getting my thoughts down to paper, I felt rekindled. I began to understand that God was present in my life. It felt like there was a presence over my fragile being ready to welcome me into a greater sense of peace.

I remember speaking with my campus minister, Greg and his wife, Ashley after that night. I knew I had spent a lot of time waltzing away from God and needed to express that notion somewhere. Ashley recommended I participate in the Beth Moore study, “Believing God” for ten weeks over the summer. Skeptical at first, and unsure of whether God actually wanted me to reinvest in him I started it shortly after she had given me the information. The first lesson was one where Beth shared some of her story swaying from God, how she fell back in love with the Lord and understood His great strength. I remember sitting there thinking, “God, this is it isn’t it? You’re trying to tell me something aren’t you?” I knew then that this was the other sliver of light I needed in my life to initiate the journey toward understanding and growing in God. I remember sitting my room, in the middle of my floor, and just bawling for hours as I begin to recognize all of the pain I’d acquired and the sin I’d accumulated in running from God. I stayed there and prayed to God saying, “Lord, I’ve been messed up for far too long now. I’ve run from you so many times; I know I’ve sinned greatly. I’m not clean, Lord, but I want to be made new in You again. I need you. I need Your light and love with me always.”

That night of vulnerability happened in early June and ever since then I’ve felt God prodding me and molding me to this great daughter He’s meant for me. There have been a number of instances since that night where God has opened the door of opportunity toward serving Him, toward growing in Faith and His Word. Words can never truly express all that has happened, but I believe that this chance to go to Nicaragua is another door being opened. If I don’t run toward it, then what light is it that I’m continuing to turn out?

My life is much different than it has been in passed years, but as I progress forward in the path that He has set for me I’m understanding that it happened for a reason larger than I can ever independently understand. More than anything this process has left me challenged and encouraged: challenged in self discovery of being able to let go and give it to Him while being encouraged to pursue a Faith based life, leaving the light on for others. 

His Job- Jonah Reinforcement

There's nothing like listening to Tenth Avenue North when all the world feels like it's overly heavy on your heart. It's crazy what that type of release can do for a person when all the moments seem to be swirling. It's reinforcing the beauty of God. Refreshing.

I wish I could write a little bit more tonight, but I really need to finish up this theory for thesis. Busy week and I'm just working through every day that comes at me. Last night for Bible Study with Jonah the notes mentioned the phrase, "God is good as His job." How awesome is that?! Our God, my God is an amazingly overwhelming and beautiful God.

All the fears I have this week. All of the apprehension. All of the crippling my mind has done. It's immeasurable when it comes to God's presence- His hand in our lives of desperation. God's good as His Job. Whether that's stressing me out, making exhausted from prying open the doors of chance, anxious about  the answers I can't see. It's God coming down to me and my heart, walking with me in the supposed moments of broken nature, and this is God saying "I've got this." This is entirely His thing. He saw it from the beginning and He's fit to see it until the end.

That's the beauty of this lord.

There's applications sitting on my desk, discussions to continue, and chances hovering over me every single day. Hey God, I'm all in.

On The Horizon

Big things have happened since the beginning of the year. Things happened I didn't even know I was capable of doing- that I was capable of God really reaching down and setting me up with here at Arcadia. Even now, a month and some change in? It feels completely insane to evaluate my life from what it was last Spring to what it is right now. I'm emotional person and it scares me sometimes to let my memories slip back into that sea- into that desperation, into that fear.

To Write Love- Arcadia is national now. It's part of Jamie's movement. We're part of Jamie's greater purpose.

 I remember the night we were approved on campus, when I came back and just cried until I was exhausted. Only to go downstairs hours later and say that I had experienced a kind of intense life interruption. God giving m this chance to work on this movement? To fall in love and see the puzzle pieces fit together even after struggle, even after logistics and all of the confusion in between. I don't think anyone will ever understand what it feels like for me. And it's not because I've done it; it's not because of the supposed legwork I've put forward. It's for the people to share their stories; it's the amazement at how the larger and overwhelming idea to turn and take over this project has now turned out to a 5 month process where God has continually come back into my life and presented To Write Love as that resource that's going to provide me with the light I need.

Do I get a little discouraged about the fact that this is here, that I hold myself to standards for it, and that those standards and our mission might not come across right away? Sure. I felt that way this weekend and I let Satan have his way for a hot second. There was doubt in my veins and instead of being sure there was a great sense of vacation within my spirit. I came home that afternoon, this past Saturday and just talked to God. I talked to friends and asked what the heck was going on. It's not that I wondered whether this was it- I guess I just was using tunnel vision and hoping for a different and romantic response. For a second I got selfish.

It's not about me. It never was. It's never going to be. It's about that tapestry up in the boughs of heaven being sewn together by God's great hand- it's those moments when a person struggling feels like the light has been left on for them. It's the community that leaves that light on and watches and aids the struggled body make its way to safe shores. It's those moments when I lay down in bed at night (or at 3 am) and just breathe deep thanking God for putting His work in front of me. For working pieces of this out at a time. For presenting me with moments of testing, but for making me work all the same.

For hands outstretched and a heart clear cut. For days like today, when I can still hear the courage through moments of loss and anxiety. Hey God, thanks. Truly.

What else? Well, there's the huge monster of Grad School and graduation. That comes around after night when I'm laying down and just, well, God just knows. He gets my fear. He gets my wonder and that's all there is to it.  The formulas and plans I thought I had before are still existent, but they're changing all the same.

I know, after weeks of research and understanding, that God is starting to push me toward teen/ youth work and counseling. But even more, He's pushing me toward the door of biblical counseling. If you knew me just one year ago? This NEVER would have been a path. But here I am, caught in the thick and dedication patches of God's plan. He's writing to me, and i need to properly find the words to answer back.

Right now? I have two things to do.

I have to have the conversation with my parents and introduce the path no matter the answer. That's the way to ease this heavy heart and move forward in this message from God. Words just need to come to me first. Love & words are the ones to harbor me. I'm scared of upsetting my family's formula, but like Caylynn said, if I don't do this while my heart is feeling it- while God is constructing it, then I'm doing a disservice. So, that's the hurdle. From there? I do more research. I highlight the path. And I apply. I dive in.


Other than that? I need to stay focused and pray. Pray for every door that's opening and stop being afraid of what I'm hesitant toward. God's got this golden hold, and I need to keep following down that highway. No matter what. So, that's the moment for me to become completely vulnerable and sift through this stuff. To become the contemplative spirit as I continue to make sense of what He's putting on my heart.

Heavy love & knocking hard.


Matthew 7:8 

No Man Is An Island

I've been asked to write a poem for my class in a few weeks. After coming home from Bible study tonight I felt instantly compelled to just sit and write for awhile. To talk to God through my internal thoughts- to let Him know where I am, what I'm thinking, and where it is that i've reconciled I've come from. I'll admit that in reality it sometimes feels like I'm a little bit alone in my life- like I give so much to others and invest so much energy to get nothing back. And this is one of those nights. Anyway, tonight we talked about having Holy Courage and I battled with the idea that it takes Jonah 500 miles to get to God. Bypassing all emotion.

500 miles inside my head and i'm not liking it. 500 miles to keep changing my heart.
This is what I've come up with, and it just feels good to have something reflective like this- no matter the actual quality.

God Swell

500 miles of this expansive and

Expensive existence where potential hangs

In the splitting fingernails of life’s

Semi- sweet, semi self- destructive ways;

500 miles.

500 weary miles where shoes attempt

To speak to the soul, to the pavement’s

Crackled mouth of challenge: tattered sounds of

The world’s uneasy motion:

500 miles until the island we’re all stretching for.

500 miles until the closest vein as it swims

Purposefully to the skin.

500 miles it takes the one to reach blue bottom

She reaches “red revival” in 2 seconds flat.

The island is covered with the tapestries of lost souls

Who cannot extend their hand, their hearts,

Their minds to another journey of

500 miles.

500 miles of thirst,

of hunger, of frustration

and searching for the identity crisis

that may or may not, reign you back home.

500 miles of these crippled plates where love

might last, but often times doesn’t;

Natives fought here just like you might be

Traipsing now.

It’s 500 miles running toward

The breathtaking presence of metal,

As it creates an even greater story;

It feels like 500 miles from your forearm

To the heart of the problem.

The mind is the island with

Cruel currents and sand too hot to touch

Except, for those rebels,

It burns the palms bare and

The road map plots destinations

Like notes on a piano.

500 miles in the presence of darkness,

Of wheels turning toward nowhere.

500 more toward the breeze of this God

That makes himself known to those on the highway.

500 miles of this expansive and expensive

Existence, where serenity is held

In the palms of a diligent grace;

500 miles just to breathe.

500 miles toward a grip of pudgy appendages,

Out stretched and ready to welcome the voyage.

500 miles beyond snickering razorblades,

500 more toward the spot of redemption.

Tired souls, slippery soles;

500 miles in the swell of an even greater promise;

500 miles.

Miles to letting go,

Miles to the exact place

Where memories breathe for the sake of realization

And where God takes the broken soles

To repair for the journey toward life:

500 more miles because

Building homes of heart is better

Than the island developed for isolation.

 Challenged & Encouraged

Flicker

It's 1:15 AM and I'm finally done homework for the night. It's been forever and a day since I've taken a breather to sit down and write here. To explain myself, if you will. Needless to say, this semester is already beginning to challenge me in more ways than I can ever truly have been ready for. I've learned that trying to tackle of this is a bigger beast than I would have expected months ago, but then again, God wouldn't tell me to do it in 3 years if He didn't think I could do it, right? Well, that's what I always hope He's stepping me toward anyway. Should be an interesting year.

I had the chance to go up to the Poconos with some wonderful people from ACF a few weeks ago. Words cannot fully describe the way that weekend had seemed to shift me and my perspective, the way it continues to do so even as I'm sitting down right now. Not only was it wonderful to share the grace and movement of God with other people, to see them on fire for God's plans, but it was just to nice. Nice to find more space and time outside of my head than I ever have before.

I firmly believe that that weekend was God's way of telling me to take care of myself and to slow down. This is going to be a time of overdrive and I need to give myself that time to stop the bus and walk around a little bit. That weekend kept it intact completely. I have to say- journaling there was just so refreshing because I was able to talk to God more and reflect more than I think I've had in a long time. It was a weekend conversation asking God to keep moving in me. To keep me going, but to keep shaping me and make sure that I don't stay too stationary. To teach me. To provide love and hope in the larger picture.

I came back ready to roll.

Though I might be stressed and a little bit uneasy after tonight's bible study, I know it's because I just need to keep evaluating myself. One step at a time. Because all too often I try to leap so far ahead to the answer. This isn't a game of leap frog though, is it?

Caylynn's running a bible study on the book of Jonah: A Life Interrupted and it's been perfect so far. It's just been so real because it seems like that was my entire, or a good portion of my summer. It was God reaching inside and rattling me to the core since I had asked him to overwhelm me. To prove and show Himself to me. It was an interruption then, and it's one now.

It's week three. It's week three and God won't stop lurking around inside of me. He's leaving the light on for me and I'm just trying to continually get to the point where I feel the warmth.

Tonight talked about the idea of when God pushes us in one direction, we instantly run to another, and we fall into the consequence of all of that various destruction. Will He eventually get us out, certainly. Certainly He's going to reach into the gut of our problems, of our sins and our misfortunes and completely deconstruct us to rebuild once again. Which, brings me to why this hit home so much with me.

I feel like every time I get my feet firmly planted I make a mistake. I falter in the presence of fully understanding and living up to God and I have no idea how ridiculous that sounds. In feeling like I'm slipping up, I'm worried whether I'm failing him. Whether I'm falling so short that there's not much left for me to cling onto. It's this weird exposure of feelings and fear. I'm waving in the wind hoping to swept up into His hand once more. Selfish as it sounds.

God, please don't let me let you down. Don't let the golden casing of your grace crack. I've hid and run for so long from you that I think this is just me poking myself out more and more. But I want to be enough for your plans, Lord. I want to be the person you've slowly created and known me to be since the beginning of time. And when I screw up like lately? I know I'm not free. I still feel like I'm floundering in consequence and wonder of You, but please. Please just leave the light on for me?

Praying for a dose of Grace

Plans

"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen"
-Hebrews 11:1

I don't think words can ever truly and honestly explain what has been going in my life these past few weeks. School has started here at Arcadia and there's just so much on the horizon. There's so much to do as far as school and classes, new living, and just getting acclimated to everything. I want to be the best of everything that I can this year. I want to really kind of show myself and continue along in my faith toward Jesus. Toward the love of Jesus. It's been a crazy, busy summer and I'm just ready for the next few months. No matter how much I have to stretch myself I'm determined to do everything I can.

This past week was the activities fair on campus. The club I've worked to get going on campus, To Write Love Arcadia Uchapter, has finally been approved and wonderful. I came home Thursday night and checked the sign up sheets. Are you ready? 170 signatures! Insane!

Sitting there that day was something really humbling for me. It was so nice to see people coming up and asking what the story was about, signing themselves up for a story of hope and help. Sharing in this journey with me. It humbled me because people were willing to acknowledge the need for help on campus. People don't have to share their stories with me, but 170 people signed up for a reason. 170 people came and attempted to reach out in whatever way possible. It's crazy how I feel right now.

I came home that night and just kept talking to Jesus. I kept thanking Him for allowing these people to come into my life. For Jamie and his ability to actually get a haven like this moving. It's been crazy and and hectic and wonderful. Clearly, this felt like Hebrews 11:1 for me. The outburst is evidence not seen- I have the utmost Faith that God is watching over me with this whole project- with the absolute fruition I've seen in this. I'm beyond excited to see what else God has hanging in the rafters for me.

I wrote a letter to Greg & Ashley today because I felt like I just really needed to sit down and thank them for absolutely everything. This summer has been an amazing one and without it? I don't think I would be half of the person I am right now. Or that I will be in the next few months. Ash & Greg, if you happen to read this, just know how much you mean to me. Know how great you are for extending your hand to me and watching me grow in my steps toward Jesus.

I've been praying & thinking about a lot lately. A lot of different plans for the semester and goals for myself. I've been thinking so much about what I want to get out of this year and the different experiments I kind of want to put myself through. The first and foremost will be Thesis: I'm asking for God just to have heart and faith with me in this walk. In this quest toward really figuring out who I am and where it is I'm meant to go.

I've talked to Caylynn a lot and told her that I really want to get more involved with Jesus, with teaching His Word and teaching the wonders. I want to completely dive into everything and I think Youth Ministries is inspiring some of that. I'm ready to continue falling head over heals for Jesus' love. I can only continue praying that I get the guidance and that God will lead me somewhere that allows me to get so close to Him that I'm breathing in his greatness every second. We'll see what happens.

To some of this I have to remain completely blind with my heart open forever. Overwhelm me, Jesus.

I really need to update soon.


Orientation is running my life. God's on high and I just feel so perfectly overwhelmed.
Soon for an update. I promise.

Short and Sweet

Packing for school- weird. It's definitely weirder this time around because I'm graduating this May. I can't believe this is the third year. I can't believe how different I am from when I first got to AU. Those feelings, those times spent in the ultimate sadness. The despair that I wish unto no one.
My dad recently asked me about my first semester. He asked to know the real story. So I laid it out. Laid out the pain, the desperation, the lack of hope and purpose. I told him that that time felt like it be one where I'd 1. end up in the hospital due to panic and never go back to school or 2. come home and never go back.

Here we are. 2 years down. Guess I made it huh?

I told him about the problems with self injury. He had always known since early in high school, but I don't think it ever clicked. I don't think he wanted to ever face it. And yeah, most of the scars are clean now, but it's still part of my story and I needed him to know that. Hard to digest? Sure. A reason for hope? Most definitely.

This summer and this past of my life have absolutely amazed me. I think I've uncovered a lot and made sense of who I am and what I want out of life. It's been a beautifully hectic journey and I'm ready for it to continue. I'm ready for God to just sweep me completely off my feet and move me to wherever it is that I'm meant to be. Glory to God, seriously.
Looking back on my initial post for this summer I've changed. I've grown in God, and while I'm still working on it, it's completely beautiful. Completely compelling. Was I absolutely nervous coming back to God and asking for Him to enter my life? Of course. I never really felt good enough. I felt like I had wronged him too many time for him to welcome me back. But, our God's amazing, so He opened arms and welcomed me in Faith. And now, when I sit and type this, when I pray and when I'm working through my bible, it just feels so good. So refreshing and clean to have that relationship with God. He brings so much peace, it's outstanding.
So maybe I can't share everything with my family, but at least they know pieces of it now, right? 2 years down and almost 1.5 years self injury clean. Feels good. Feels really good. Bits and pieces are out and that's perfect for me. Somewhere along the line it'll all come together for something greater. God works in great ways.

Am I nervous for the semester? Heck yes. Challenged beyond belief.
Am I excited for the semester? For twloha? for EVERYTHING? Heck yes. Beyond belief.
Here's to a semester of hope with God as my wing man.

God bless. <3

Salt & Light

I need to make a bigger and better update, but a lot has happened lately. Many things have happened in my life that I'm slowly and closely trying to process. Summer's closing out and my thoughts are racing toward the semester, toward the doors that are wide open and the others creaking closed. It's mind blowing. However, there's a little less than 2 weeks and I'm determined to do everything I can to just breathe & live it out the way I'm meant to. Spiritually, this has been a wonderful summer and God's hands will continue to shape me and harbor me in love this semester. I've made a promise to myself this semester not to cheat myself out my relationship with Him. I don't ever want to give that away to the wind and I won't. I can't change the love and devotion I have for Jesus. No way. No how.

So, why name this entry "Salt & Light" Well, I'll say it's because of Matthew 5:13-14, but it's also because of a song from the band August Burns Red and their song, "salt & light" and how these two mediums have brought different messages. Impacted me in two different ways. God's word and the gift of music. Wonderful. My goodness.

It's been bitter at times- both this summer and in my life. And I've taken a lot of time to process and finally accept some of the moments that have really stung deep at my core. To filter out the fluff of my story and just be totally vulnerable. It's been pain. But now, I'm finally just learning to breathe easy and take some chances. To paint the beauty of a picture and find the strength in the fact that God is and will always be my Savior. It's been a beautiful and sometimes distasteful process, but I wouldn't dare change it. This is the time to climb the mountain of my thoughts, my emotions, my fears and mistakes, to reach the epitome of God's grace. Take the salty tears and the rough exterior only to push forward and find the hope of Jesus. The light of His Kingdom and pillar of strength.

That's me this semester. That's my internal desire.

The lead singer of August Burns Red has created an organization, Your Life Ministries, which is based on the vulnerable and uncomfortable truth of stories. It's beautiful. I'm in love and in hope. It's only by grace that I was introduced to his project from a wonderful friend and inspiration.

I've recently sent an email to Jake Luhrs, the founder and he responded back wanting to know my story. It's been great and I have no idea what else is in store. I want to try and get involved with them- maybe even intern. We'll see. God's love will guide me.

Remember Matthew 5:13-14.

Fears vs. Dreams

I'm extremely emotional this Sunday. Maybe it's because school's around the corner and so much is on the horizon. Maybe it's because there's a busy semester up ahead. Maybe it's the apprehension of graduating early. A whole year early. Or maybe it's bigger.


I'm sitting on my bed playing the same song on repeat. Getting ready to just have some quiet time with God since I've got the afternoon home, and I just can't put my finger on it. The emotion isn't any of this anxiety- none of these worries- it's God's love. God's gravity. God's beauty. It's all just hitting me more than anything I've ever felt- more than anything I can ever explain.


I've just watched a video posting from To Write Love about this project that Jamie and some of his friends started. It's called, "Fears vs. Dreams" and it's all about sharing a piece of the story. About being vulnerable for that time, and coming together as a community. What's your biggest fear? What's your greatest dream? Two question with loaded answers. Overwhelmed? Absolutely.


The video was over and I just sat here. I sat here just asking God if I could do this. If I could carry out this mission of hope and help along with His message of glory and redemption. As usual, I cried. But it wasn't just an amazed moment, it was a heartbreaking moment. An exchange of fears and dreams with the Creator Himself. Can I do this God? Can I combine both of these and just run- just run in the path of your love? Can I do absolutely everything that's sitting on the doorstep this year, this day, this week, this month?


Overdrive.


The answer: Yes. Yes. Have Faith and it all falls into place. I just felt God's touch here with me, sitting in my room and asking him for help. And I just felt lifted. I felt comforted beyond my wildest dreams. Beyond every single fear that's been stemming in my heart and brewing in my mind. I'm an anxious follower and as much as God keeps telling me to let go- I'm harboring almost all of it. Today was different. The breakdown is just the beginning of letting go. Just the beginning of my own fears versus dreams journey. That's the beauty of this whole process. Thank you, Jesus.


Maybe this is a silly little update, but this is everything I'm going through. This is every moment with God at my side and in my heart. This is every plunge and I'm doing everything I can for Him.


A friend suggested I check out the story of Your Life Ministries. Hesitant whether I was good enough for this next step, I went online and looked into it. I fell in love. It's like To Write Love with Christian centered doctrines and love. It's amazing how one singer, Jake Luhrs of August Burns Red, can share his story with Jesus and then go out with his wife and crew and spread the hope through Jesus. I'm looking into doing some work for them. I already feel motivated to take that step forward. It's a giant one.


That being said, I'm not stopping this dream with To Write Love. It seems like everyday the dedication and drive to be a part of that team gets larger and larger. It's a beautiful thing. No matter what, I've been brought to hope because of To Write Love. Always and forever. Recovery happens everyday and I attribute it to nothing less. October, I'm ready.


I wasn't able to bible study with the kids at the local Church this summer. They never called me to give my shift for the kids and the age groups. I called, but no answer. I was bummed beyond belief, but I think it's given me some more time to just sit and reflect with God. Of course, I'm not sitting because of these 4 summer classes, but this has been the best summer by far. I won't stop praising Him for the discovery that's come along. Nothing's bigger. So, I might not have gotten involved in the ministry with these kids like I wanted to, but God closes one door and opens another. Always does. He's just waiting for the right time.


Well, I think I'm going to go and do some bible study work. Still trucking through those weeks with Beth and uncovering great things every single time I sit down.


My emotions are on high. I have no idea what's in story next, but I know that I'm on a journey with fears vs. dreams.

FEAR: My biggest fear is that I’m not good enough for this life and that my own insecurities will be the death of me.

DREAM: My greatest dream is to live it ALL for God. Literally, all of my life. To spread His message wholeheartedly. To walk with the broken and hear their wonderful stories. 

What's your biggest fear? What's your greatest dream?

God's moving. <3

Blurb

God's moving. So quick and so good. I want to update tonight and I'm determined to do so. Just a few things standing in between that time:

Anthropology exam

Native American Fiction paper

Emails stretching on forever.

Discussion boards.

Poetry readings.

A trip to the Sonshine store! Deciding to get a new Bible. I know, God's word is always God's word, but it's just something. Something fresh- that final piece. I feel like the one I have from my youth still holds resentment.

Never good.

God bless everyone.

Update to come.

There's a song overwhelming my heart

I've found it on the To Write Love tumblr. It was just something I really needed to hear, and it's been working every since.

Everyone is truly beautiful. 

Scars make us wonderful. It's taken me a long time to see that, but it's refreshing. 

God is sheltering me and it's heartbreakingly joyous.

This is it. 

Nothing's bigger.

Praise Jesus.

Worship

I've got a thousand different things going on, but I'm absolutely stoked for them all.

I talked to my mom yesterday about my plan to be baptized. She wasn't surprised, she just didn't expect it like this I think. I think she misses having some of that connection with me and with God himself. Yet, she supports me fully. That's all I could ask for. She listened with an open mind and a ready hard, and I just was floored. All I could do yesterday was praise God for staying with me.

Everything was fine at the doctors, hallelujah. They actually said that if I keep up the mobility and training I have so intensely, it's possible I'll be able to transition to something outside of this blue hunk of metal. Crazy good. Just going to have to keep working as hard as I can at that and see what comes of it. It's always been a struggle and a challenge no doubt, but there's always been a purpose and a better meaning underneath everything that's come from one diagnosis.

I sent an email to the Director of Internships for To Write Love today. After the appointment yesterday I just felt compelled to tell someone what I was thinking of. The mail just told her of my condition and some of the concerns I have about applying for the internship itself. I told her I want to put my best foot forward because this chance means everything. This organization is absolutely everything to me and during the typing of the email I just looked up to God and said, "let's do this. I never know until I try." And in that moment, I kid you not things happened. My heart swelled with opportunity. It open all over again.  The most beautiful thing I've experienced. God right there. Right here. Right now.

Less than an hour later I got an email back. It said, "Having cerebral palsy will never stop us from accepting those devoted. I don't even know you Kayleen, but I hear the passion. I hear the drive. Please do apply when I open the deadline in October. I look forward to seeing and reading your application. We'll talk again soon."

So, October. I wait. I hope. I pray.

Anyone who reads this and God alone is probably just wondering why I would think otherwise. Why would I stumble? What would cause me to halt? This condition has never stopped me in anything I've ever done, and I hoped it wouldn't this time, but I need to give everything I have to this organization. I can feel the fire in my heart and it's getting stronger everyday. I honestly, feel like God is calling me to lend out this wonderful hand to those who are struggling and I will never miss that. I will never diminish that chance. Hope & lots of prayer in these next few months. It comes down to this.

I start working with the local church and their Vacation Bible School next week. I'm so pumped to see kids on fire for Jesus. I'm so ready to stand up and worship in everything that God has provided for me since I've continued to invest, love and trust in him. There's nothing more I can say for that other than praising Jesus.

I remember the VBS program. I remember how great it felt to hear someone speak of the greatest God I've known. I remember leaving every night, overwhelmed with hope from the youth leaders. With hope from Jesus himself. There was plenty of faith. I'm burning with excitement to reach inside this group of youth and pull out their quest for Jesus. It's going to be an amazing experience.

I recently borrowed some music from a friend because I didn't really feel like I've had a worthwhile worship collection. I needed the freshness just for moments like now. For the glory of Him. I keep playing Chris Tomlin's "Our God" the live version. It's moving me to tears a little bit. Maybe that doesn't make sense, but I'm finally processing this new journey with Jesus. I'm just overwhelmed at how He's let me back in once more to learn the message, the goodness and his truths.

It hasn't been long since I started this blog, but I feel completely different from the first post. I feel transformed in God's love. Like there's nothing that can really break me apart as long as I continue to swim in the faith of Him. There's a feeling you get at your core where the world doesn't seem real, and that's been these past few weeks for me. And when I ask God what it is that's going on, he holds me close and just says to keep working. There is nothing He won't do for any of us and I don't think that's really hit me until now. Phew, I'm shaken. Shaken with joy. With hope and love. God, you're burning inside on high.

When I sit and think about everything, I think of the song I've got playing in the background right now.

"And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us?
And if our God is with us, then what could stand against?"

Nothing. Remember that everyone.
Summer 2012 Interns. Let's do this, Lord.

Continue moving. <3

Settled

I'm home, safe and settled.

There's a ton on my mind, but I know that it's going to work out somewhere along the line. God has a plan for each of these anxieties I've built and restored within myself. I know that the sooner I begin to let go and fully let Him settle the waters, the more beautiful this whole process will be.

Caylynn told me this afternoon she got into the World Race. I'm floored at the way God works in her. Every single day there is something new.

I got a call tonight that I'm accepted to do VBS with the kids next week. Definitely excited to just watch them be overwhelmed with God. It's going to be fantastic.

Tomorrow's an important day for me. I go for a yearly check up just to make sure that my CP hasn't gotten worse. That my muscles haven't gotten tighter and "all the gears are still working as they should be." I know maybe I shouldn't worry, but I always do. It's important for me to know that I'm doing okay. Setbacks are fine. I just want to keep trucking if I can do. So please, if you can? Just say a quick prayer. And, when I see all of the other teenage kids down at Temple tomorrow- because their are always ones getting surgeries or checking into the hospital, just let God be there. Let Him take them in his arms always. It's a scary time with a lot of questions- my family and I have been there.

It's important.

Joshua 1:5

With hope,

Kaylene

Mixed Emotion

It's really been awhile since I've sat down to take some time to reflect on anything. What better time to do that than in the Ft. Lauderdale Airport waiting to go back to the good old Philadelphia area. I've loved my time here beyond belief- it was just what I needed to rejuvenate myself and, in my own way, get a little bit closer to God and some of the potential plans he has for my future.

My dad and I came here with the intent to check on my grandparents. We received word that my grandmother was struggling with her memory and some other things and God allowed us to find a flight the next morning to come here. The beginning of amazement. We stepped off the planned and I just felt renewed. It was nice to see a different area, to feel a different temperature in the air and feel myself wake up a little bit. Yes, I knew I had work to get done and I still have a little bit to finish, but God will help me out. I know he's been watching me and telling me to just take a breather, so that's exactly what I've been trying to do. We arrived at my grandparents house to one of the greatest surprises: my family from texas- aunt, uncle and their 4 kids- were there waiting for us. We haven't seen each other in about 6 years. IT'S AMAZING how kids grow. It's even more how old you can feel in a matter of two seconds.

That night after I'd taken some time to talk to my cousins and catch up on their lives. To see what their future plans are and whether or not they're looking forward to college, I felt overwhelmed. I went in the back room and just prayed to God. The hardest I think I have in awhile. I thanked him for getting us there safely of course, but I thanked him endlessly for bringing us together again after so much time. They're not a family of believers, but I could feel something moving us as we just sat around the table talking about life. God was there. He was in a different form for everyone, but He was there no less. I broke down in complete adoration and appreciation.

My two oldest cousins and I made nightly trips to Dunkin Donuts. Simple, sure. Yet when you don't have  Dunkin in Texas? It's heaven. Every night I just thanked God for giving me that time with them. For opening my heart and letting me here their stories, see their growth and see the wonderful men that they are becoming. Even now I'm getting emotional thinking about it. We just left them 3 hours ago and I already miss them dearly.

I had talked to Caylynn before coming down here about telling my family my rediscoveries in Faith. I've wanted to talk about it ever since things started reviving in me, but I was afraid to sit and have the conversation. Before my dad and I had left I told myself we would talk. No matter what. I just wanted him to listen and just hear me. Hear how I'm beginning to believe and love God.

So, the first night we got there? I did. I thought of Matthew 6:34 and just let my anxieties go to the wind. I've never ever been so anxious in my life, but I just handed it over completely. I told him the biggest decision: I'm getting baptized this year. Most likely at Epic in November. I just have to check the dates.

Man. There it is. It's happening.

He listened. He heard me. But he's not sold yet. In that moment though, I was not disappointed. I thanked God for at least giving me the courage and strength to speak about it. Whatever happens from here on is something that only the Lord can control.

Beyond that? We visited Cocoa Florida. For those of you who don't know, this is the To Write Love headquarters. My dad thought maybe we should drive out to the area while we had some time. No, I don't have the internship, and I might not get it, but I got to stand face to face with my dream. Only time will tell.

Again, I broke down. Emotional wreck. I felt God right with me. Speaking to me and my heart. Telling me to hold out and just keep working. Keep being devoted to To Write Love. Success is in different facets of life. I was just amazed. I'm still amazed. God was totally with me shaking me and getting to my deepest core. I don't know if I'm making sense, but I don't know if I can definitely describe the wonders of this week.

God is here. God is with me. And that's everything.

This week has been amazing in all aspects. I've experienced the wonder of God and Faith, of relationships and strength of dreams and hope. I'm floored.

We're getting ready to board the plane soon, but I just wanted to get this out. I've got a thousand different emotions running wild right now. Crazy!

Please just pray that we make it home safe tonight.
God's moving across the globe. <3

Movement

Finally, finally getting some time to just sit down and update today. It's been a hectic few weeks and for most of the hours, I'm still thankful my head is on straight. I'm doing the best I can and that's all I can really ask for right now. Getting along and that's good for me. Breathing. 

I've just finished tonight's bible study. This week has really been something for me. It's a week where Beth talks about the principle of understanding that we are who God says we are and he's alright planned things in the rafters for us. This is something that has always been so hard for me to believe and I think it's because I like to have the answers myself. I like to plan and know exactly where I'm headed and why, knowing I got myself there. It's a perfectionist thing I think. It's really just hard to break. Letting go and kind of just throwing it up in the air to see where the cards fall is one of the scariest things for me. I don't want to fail in faith. I don't want to fail God. I know he's listening to me type this out and saying, "You won't fail me. You could never." Yet, I'm still unsure. I'm still hanging in a balance and trying to effectively wrap myself in letting go day in and day out. It's not easy at all. It's unsettling and at times my stomach churns about it.

I think about To Write Love and I know that God sees me doing this. God has set me on fire with this organization and these stories and he's watching work like a madwoman now. Yet, because that's so close to my heart, a piece of me is still so unwilling to let Him take that out from under me and just go. I worry too much for that spontaneity. I'm a work in progress I guess.

Passages really hit home this week. I really need some of it and to even just know that the people of Scripture of our histories and stories didn't have the answers. They weren't perfect in Faith, but they lived it. They lived it. They gave it life every single day. And with each new day as I seem to let go a little bit more, that's all I'm going to do. That's all I can do really.

Beth had a portion in day three where she asked us if we felt outnumbered. Asked us to comment on it. I love my family to death and I love the life and relationships I've been given, but I feel outnumbered at home. It's hardest to believe here sometimes, and I really have to reach inside myself to do so because my family is a major obstacle in my journey. It's not that they don't support me, it's just that I feel like I'm walking alone here. Alone in my quest with God. And yes, God's feet next to mine are enough most days, but sometimes it would be nice to have that extra boost. I can only imagine what it would be like to sit down with my mom and tell her how God is moving in me. Praying for someday.

I've started my suicide prevention training with IMALIVE this week. One more thing to add to the list. Each day that I go online and do the training sessions with other people I can't believe that I've been given this chance. A chance to hear someone's story, their struggle, and help them find a hope. A chance to rewrite some of the pain for them and to let them know that they're not alone. And each day, when I log on or wake up and think of the shift I have to do this afternoon, God is right there. He knew this was meant for me all along. He laughs at my amazement at this simply because He had seen it in my tapestry from the very beginning. God is so good and so moving. I can't contain it.

I'm going to Florida next week with my dad to visit my grandparents. He wants to check on his mother and make sure that she's doing okay since they live so far from us. I'm happy to get away- get away from textbooks and deadlines for awhile. Yet, I won't stop thinking and thanking God the whole time. He's overwhelming in me and even right now, I could cry at how I've been let into the Kingdom of His. It's amazing.

While we're there my dad had mentioned something about trying to drive out to Cocoa Florida where the Intern house is for To Write Love. I'd be face to face with my dream. I can't wait for the fall so that I can apply and anxiously and endlessly pray for the movement.

I'm so excited for everything. For God's hand in my life. I'm seriously brought to tears.

God Bless.
Phil 4: 13-14.

So badly I'm praying for this. This. is. everything.

Glory

This week- these past few weeks have been absolutely insane. Between summer classes, AU stuff, TWLOHA stuff, Bible study and everything else swirling around I've been really crazy.

I'm starting week 3 of Bible study tomorrow. I feel like yes, I should be further along. I should be starting further into this and making more time to devote to scripture. Yet, I know God sees me working hard. God knows that I can handle everything that he's given to me. It's definitely been a challenge and a balancing act lately.

There's definitely pieces of my faith that I wish more and more to share with my family. I listened to an Epic podcast this weekend and when my dad came in asking what I was doing? I wish I could have really told him. I wish I could share some of the things I'm learning and the comfort I'm finding in God's hand. It's not that my parent's aren't supportive of what I do- it's just a challenge to talk about my Faith with them. To talk about the fact that I really and wholeheartedly want to give my life over to God and do whatever it takes to grow in Him. I'll just keep praying for that day to happen. It's in the works. I can feel the strength motivating me.

There's been a ton of things happening with to write love, and with me finding out who I am through the organization. What my story really is and how that incorporates into God's plan. I went to Arcadia this past week for a summer orientation day and kind of pitched the idea of our Uchapter and some of the things I've been hoping to get accomplished. Two kids came up to me later in the day and shared their stories with me- of their own struggles and how it is that they want to get involved when they come in the Fall. I kid you not when I say that I broke down. Broke down at the sheer joy and the absolute grace that people care about this message as much as I do. It's outstanding and every time I really stop to think about it, I can't even fathom the process.

 On a break period that day I sat outside Landman Library, under the weird tree where everyone thinks you're being a creeper, and simply thanked Jesus. I praised Him for giving me the strength and the power to do this. For giving me the skills and the courage to pursue this dream even after everything that's happened in the past year. This organization, this message has given shaped to my story. I didn't get it at first. I more or less developed the woe is me attitude and blamed God. I blamed God for a lot of things, but during this summer, and through some of the things that I have been faced with in the year? I'm amazed by God. I'm amazed by His love and openness for me. For my journey and for my love to grow in Him. It felt good to just sit down, reflect, and praise Jesus. Praise Jesus for His glory. An awesome personal worship moment for me.

I've seen my best friend this past weekend. Although her past, my past, and our memories challenge me and my heart almost every time I see her, we're doing okay. She's 5th months pregnant now and says that the baby kicks when she goes to sleep every night. I was hoping it would kick for me, but I wasn't lucky enough yet. Sooner or later I'll have the pleasure of feeling that little miracle. I know it.

Thinking on it now I just hope God gives her the right direction. If she keeps this baby she'll have support. If she puts it up for adoption, it'll be loved no matter what. She told me the other day she doesn't think she'll be a good mom. It took every inch of me not to cry. Whatever happens with this baby I know that she'll be a good mom- whether she makes the this decision or she finds the strength to keep it for herself. God's watching her. We talk about her every night. About how things have changed, about how she's changed and she needs God's love more than ever.

It's been a journey so far this summer, but everyday I feel a little bit more empowered. A little bit stronger because of God's touch. I never understood when people said that, but now it just overwhelms me to the fullest capacity. How great is our God!

God is good. God is so good.
I wish you all well. <3

Update tomorrow! I promise.
Things have been crazy. God is wonderful.

<3

It's now Sunday and I still haven't posted.
I'm sorry!
Tonight or tomorrow! DEFINITELY.

What makes you follow Jesus?

One of my friends saw this blog and asked me that the other day. She understood that I've always considered myself a Christian, but have recently become more active in trying to live out my faith for Jesus. Lately, I've considered myself to be really touched by the words of Scripture and just trying to become an active member of God's land. It's such a compelling experience that when she asked me, I couldn't help but answer in anything other than this:

Jesus is so good. I'm finally connecting with the idea that He wants his followers to know him like the man he died to be. He wants us to seek him over and over again. Continue seeking until we reach every avenue- even then we will NEVER understand all of his greatness. I have begun following Jesus, continued following Jesus and practicing his words, living my faith because it's the one thing that's keeping me grounded. I follow Him because the message- the security of His love is just like a fever I don't ever want to shake. Ever. I know that sounds like a cheesy expression, but I can't put it in any other words than this.

I've done a lot of thinking lately who I was before this journey started- before I made the decision to reinvest and ignite my relationship with God. I've been thinking back a lot to last semester. Honestly, my whole mindset was different than what it is right now. My perspective on the world is always changing and through every challenge, I know God is there reaching down inside of my soul and motivating me forward. There's something filling, some kind of thirst that is filled over and over again in knowing that I can seek Him. There's a lot of work in bible study this week about personally increasing your faith and asking God to increase it for us. I cannot tell you how many times I've asked Him to keep coming at me full force. I want nothing more than His grace, his love, and to prove my devotion.

What makes me follow Jesus? Truth. Hope. Love. Comfort. Awesomeness. The journey of life.

I still feel like I'm on a high with this whole process- renewed every single day. Every time I sit down to read the words of scripture and tackle with myself, I feel God guiding me through the pages, pointing me toward the greater missions. I am blessed for this chance beyond belief. I feel the best I have in a long time.

I only wish I could share this strength, His comfort with my family. I'll continue praying. Always.

I hope everyone's doing well out there! You deserve the best.

Romans 4:17

With Hope.