It's strange to think that it's been a month since updating this whole journey; it's obvious much has happened between then and now. So much so that my heart swells just thinking about it, wondering if maybe I'll be able to put into words somehow. That's always the most daunting for me, but the time's knocking once more, so I'm going to go ahead and just breathe it in.
I'm writing thesis. Yup, thesis. That's its own mountain, but it wouldn't be a dream if I didn't take the time to climb to the heart and over it. When May comes I'll be ready academically. I just don't know if I'll be ready to head away from this place, from this home that's been made once my feet have been grounded here. Arcadia, and the people here, have greatly imprinted memories on my heart, and I don't think I tell them that enough. I cannot fathom how encouraged I feel here. This is home. It's crazy where God's going to put us when we feel at our weakest point. Man oh man.
I'm working on Grad School applications. Yup, that's happening. What? Weird. This is the next chapter and as terrified as I might be, I'm ready to dip my toes in a new pool and see what comes out of it. I've been molded so much already in a variety of ways, why not step up to the plate once again, right? I've got four schools to apply to right now (2 of which are Seminary) and I'm getting more and more excited about them with every breath. This just seems like the wonderful leap I'm supposed to take. Letting myself go in the direction of God's grace, not looking to calculate and my own answers. My own plans.
It's a great feeling when you feel rooted in existence.
I still can't fathom what happened today and I definitely cannot process the work in my heart tonight. 12:50 am and I feel the most alive I have in quite some time. God does that. Baptism does that. 21 years old, years struggling with God, years spent reaching selfishly for my own answers, and one summer to flip that upside down completely.
I was Baptized today. Whoa.
Funny thing? All day and all day yesterday I just kept feeling this nervous feeling in my gut. Not nervous for becoming completely immersed in God, but just for taking this step myself. For being independent in this new chapter of my story, but knowing that I have had some of the best support ever before. All day I kept just sitting in my room, at my desk, on my bed, in our kitchen, just praying to God. Taking a deep breath and letting it all being released.
I've always been a worry wort. always. But there was a point today (probably the moment in my kitchen) when I just broke and realized that this, this put of feelings and the topsy turvy ridiculous path of my stomach was simply God loving me. It was simply just a moment where He was coming to say, "Hey. I'm shaking you up, and I know it. I know I do that, but today's the day. Today's the day you've committed to this and to me, and I love you for that." Who discovers that feeling and that truth in their kitchen at 12:30 in the afternoon? This girl.
My parents will never know this, simply because they're my parents and it wasn't a big deal, but having them there today (as much as they've struggled with Faith) melted my heart more than words can ever truly say. Parents always have this way of taking your world, taking a decision you've made, and just completely flipping you upside down. It's nuts, and I can't stop thanking God for that connection. Not now, not ever. I had no idea that they would be there until Thursday of this week and given everything that's happened? It's exactly what I needed.
So, this is new life. Today's new life. This begins the rest of my life. This begins the next chapter of a wonderful message. Of an even greater relationship and my heart's already heavy just thinking of it. Diving in and letting go is the best combination I've experienced and I wish I could put it better into words right now.
I felt wasted. My life felt dry. My life felt bruised and dazed, spaced out and far from purpose. It's so amazing how the decision to reconnect with God can spark such a change in these months. I felt drained. I felt disappointed. I felt confused. Empty. Stricken. Mechanical. A storm was the only thing that existed.
And now, I'm just completely flipped. This summer has changed me more than words can ever express. I've been loved by the greatest there is and I can't wait to see the challenges, the encouragements He's got planned. There's always a tapestry and i'm ready to see it.
For the longest time I felt like my own island. And that's simply because I let myself paddle out there and sit, still.
Coming back to the harbor is the best homecoming ever experienced. Open arms are the most comfort I've felt.
There was story begun today. An amazing, overly emotional story today where I just completely let go and hand it all to God. It's not for me to figure out, not for me to plan, not for me to calculate or understand. It's just for me to learn to love. Just for me live like the one who loves me most. Whoa.
There's a whole heck of a lot of emotion today, but I've found the best shelter possible. Today has changed. everything. And I'm so happy. So full. So ready to keep looking forward to God's greatest plan.
Caylynn & The Sovereigns: I don't even know how to say this. There's literally no amount of words that can EVER shape the things I need to say. Thank you. Even then, that's not enough. Thank you for walking with me on this whole journey and continuing to do so. Thank you for being my home away from home. I have no idea, absolutely no idea, where i would be without each of you. It's crazy the people God puts in our lives; but I've got the dream team in mine. I love you all so very much.
Am I challenged? HECK YES. Challenged to get this work done. Am I encouraged? HECK YES. Encouraged by this new life and this perfect chapter of my life.
John 3:16
This is everything,
Kaylene
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