For one reason or another I've had a really hard time trying to adjust to this time at home. The beginning nights were easy, it was a breath of fresh air and continual rest, but now it just feels like there's a bit of anxiety walking around. I'm not too sure why, and it's not sitting easy in my bones. I keep waking up in the middle of the night trying to put the pieces together, but I'm never too sure what pieces are missing. So, right now, I'm just smack dab in the middle, hoping that God will fortify me in the ways that I'm striving toward.
Don't get me wrong, I'm trying to relax. I really am. I beat my body up too much last semester and toward the end, my heart just wasnt in the game anymore. I had started shutting off two months before and recognizing that now is just two months too late. And now, sitting at home with Manchester in the background, I'm trying to keep that in perspective. I'm trying to just live for the moment, but something just feels so stiff. Something just feels like it hasn't connected yet. Hasn't let me fully enjoy my time.
I spent way too much energy this past semester missing out on the things that matter and the blessings and relationships that God has so graciously provided me with. I need to climb out from the depths of this funk and renew myself. Renew my body, and completely and totally enjoy that which is right in front of me. It's the true way to live.
Maybe this is too "writer-esque" for some people, but it's raining here in New Jersey. As much as I'm not a fan of rain and mess, maybe this is what we need tonight. Maybe this is what I need in order to come out on the other side and make sense of the key greatness planted in my life. Maybe I need to be drenched, soaked in apprehension before the truth comes in the aftermath. A storm breaks some people. A storm uproots others. A storm's about to change this girl. She needs it after the semester she's been having.
I need to reinvest some time and some heart with my family. It's been hard adjusting back here- realizing that my parents have had to make some changes because my brother and I are no longer living here. It's always hard uprooting your life in one place, and making it back to a completely different one. One that's different and familiar all in the same breath. So, I'm just praying that in the next few days God will give me the strength and guidance to get through some of this confusion. To be flooded with peace instead of the current state of things.
I'm working on personal statements for grad school and realizing that the future never gets any easier. Whoa, welcome to real world, right? Feels like maybe I should have gotten here a little bit sooner, but nonetheless, I'm trying to grapple with that truth as well. I know in that if I keep chipping away at the requirements things will get done. It's weird, but its in writing that I can feel God closest to me. In writing and in genuine conversation. The reliance on words and on speaking His truth is what I was created to do I guess. It feels good to have that solidarity going into such shaky territory.
I'm not doing any of this for personal gain- a sentiment I wrote in personal statement #2 today. I'm doing it in order to speak a greater message of hope and faith. It's no longer about my abilities and my desires of helping people; it's about the idea of professing something bigger than myself and having the courage to guide that path in whatever I do. I'm praying for continued strength and peace in these endeavors.
Merry Christmas & Happy New Year.
Kaylene
For thought: try digesting these lyrics:
"And I could tell that when you fell the future never planned on getting easier
God has never been afraid to fill our cups with more than they could hold
Til they all overflow and we drown once and for all"-Manchester "apprehension"
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