Big things have happened since the beginning of the year. Things happened I didn't even know I was capable of doing- that I was capable of God really reaching down and setting me up with here at Arcadia. Even now, a month and some change in? It feels completely insane to evaluate my life from what it was last Spring to what it is right now. I'm emotional person and it scares me sometimes to let my memories slip back into that sea- into that desperation, into that fear.
To Write Love- Arcadia is national now. It's part of Jamie's movement. We're part of Jamie's greater purpose.
I remember the night we were approved on campus, when I came back and just cried until I was exhausted. Only to go downstairs hours later and say that I had experienced a kind of intense life interruption. God giving m this chance to work on this movement? To fall in love and see the puzzle pieces fit together even after struggle, even after logistics and all of the confusion in between. I don't think anyone will ever understand what it feels like for me. And it's not because I've done it; it's not because of the supposed legwork I've put forward. It's for the people to share their stories; it's the amazement at how the larger and overwhelming idea to turn and take over this project has now turned out to a 5 month process where God has continually come back into my life and presented To Write Love as that resource that's going to provide me with the light I need.
Do I get a little discouraged about the fact that this is here, that I hold myself to standards for it, and that those standards and our mission might not come across right away? Sure. I felt that way this weekend and I let Satan have his way for a hot second. There was doubt in my veins and instead of being sure there was a great sense of vacation within my spirit. I came home that afternoon, this past Saturday and just talked to God. I talked to friends and asked what the heck was going on. It's not that I wondered whether this was it- I guess I just was using tunnel vision and hoping for a different and romantic response. For a second I got selfish.
It's not about me. It never was. It's never going to be. It's about that tapestry up in the boughs of heaven being sewn together by God's great hand- it's those moments when a person struggling feels like the light has been left on for them. It's the community that leaves that light on and watches and aids the struggled body make its way to safe shores. It's those moments when I lay down in bed at night (or at 3 am) and just breathe deep thanking God for putting His work in front of me. For working pieces of this out at a time. For presenting me with moments of testing, but for making me work all the same.
For hands outstretched and a heart clear cut. For days like today, when I can still hear the courage through moments of loss and anxiety. Hey God, thanks. Truly.
What else? Well, there's the huge monster of Grad School and graduation. That comes around after night when I'm laying down and just, well, God just knows. He gets my fear. He gets my wonder and that's all there is to it. The formulas and plans I thought I had before are still existent, but they're changing all the same.
I know, after weeks of research and understanding, that God is starting to push me toward teen/ youth work and counseling. But even more, He's pushing me toward the door of biblical counseling. If you knew me just one year ago? This NEVER would have been a path. But here I am, caught in the thick and dedication patches of God's plan. He's writing to me, and i need to properly find the words to answer back.
Right now? I have two things to do.
I have to have the conversation with my parents and introduce the path no matter the answer. That's the way to ease this heavy heart and move forward in this message from God. Words just need to come to me first. Love & words are the ones to harbor me. I'm scared of upsetting my family's formula, but like Caylynn said, if I don't do this while my heart is feeling it- while God is constructing it, then I'm doing a disservice. So, that's the hurdle. From there? I do more research. I highlight the path. And I apply. I dive in.
Other than that? I need to stay focused and pray. Pray for every door that's opening and stop being afraid of what I'm hesitant toward. God's got this golden hold, and I need to keep following down that highway. No matter what. So, that's the moment for me to become completely vulnerable and sift through this stuff. To become the contemplative spirit as I continue to make sense of what He's putting on my heart.
Heavy love & knocking hard.
Matthew 7:8
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