Flicker

It's 1:15 AM and I'm finally done homework for the night. It's been forever and a day since I've taken a breather to sit down and write here. To explain myself, if you will. Needless to say, this semester is already beginning to challenge me in more ways than I can ever truly have been ready for. I've learned that trying to tackle of this is a bigger beast than I would have expected months ago, but then again, God wouldn't tell me to do it in 3 years if He didn't think I could do it, right? Well, that's what I always hope He's stepping me toward anyway. Should be an interesting year.

I had the chance to go up to the Poconos with some wonderful people from ACF a few weeks ago. Words cannot fully describe the way that weekend had seemed to shift me and my perspective, the way it continues to do so even as I'm sitting down right now. Not only was it wonderful to share the grace and movement of God with other people, to see them on fire for God's plans, but it was just to nice. Nice to find more space and time outside of my head than I ever have before.

I firmly believe that that weekend was God's way of telling me to take care of myself and to slow down. This is going to be a time of overdrive and I need to give myself that time to stop the bus and walk around a little bit. That weekend kept it intact completely. I have to say- journaling there was just so refreshing because I was able to talk to God more and reflect more than I think I've had in a long time. It was a weekend conversation asking God to keep moving in me. To keep me going, but to keep shaping me and make sure that I don't stay too stationary. To teach me. To provide love and hope in the larger picture.

I came back ready to roll.

Though I might be stressed and a little bit uneasy after tonight's bible study, I know it's because I just need to keep evaluating myself. One step at a time. Because all too often I try to leap so far ahead to the answer. This isn't a game of leap frog though, is it?

Caylynn's running a bible study on the book of Jonah: A Life Interrupted and it's been perfect so far. It's just been so real because it seems like that was my entire, or a good portion of my summer. It was God reaching inside and rattling me to the core since I had asked him to overwhelm me. To prove and show Himself to me. It was an interruption then, and it's one now.

It's week three. It's week three and God won't stop lurking around inside of me. He's leaving the light on for me and I'm just trying to continually get to the point where I feel the warmth.

Tonight talked about the idea of when God pushes us in one direction, we instantly run to another, and we fall into the consequence of all of that various destruction. Will He eventually get us out, certainly. Certainly He's going to reach into the gut of our problems, of our sins and our misfortunes and completely deconstruct us to rebuild once again. Which, brings me to why this hit home so much with me.

I feel like every time I get my feet firmly planted I make a mistake. I falter in the presence of fully understanding and living up to God and I have no idea how ridiculous that sounds. In feeling like I'm slipping up, I'm worried whether I'm failing him. Whether I'm falling so short that there's not much left for me to cling onto. It's this weird exposure of feelings and fear. I'm waving in the wind hoping to swept up into His hand once more. Selfish as it sounds.

God, please don't let me let you down. Don't let the golden casing of your grace crack. I've hid and run for so long from you that I think this is just me poking myself out more and more. But I want to be enough for your plans, Lord. I want to be the person you've slowly created and known me to be since the beginning of time. And when I screw up like lately? I know I'm not free. I still feel like I'm floundering in consequence and wonder of You, but please. Please just leave the light on for me?

Praying for a dose of Grace