New leaf

I kept wondering today about the things I had written yesterday. Wondering whether I was good enough, human, normal and on the right track toward continuing my excavation with Jesus. I started pouring through some things realizing that a lot of it has been very superficial. Sure, in middle school and freshman year everyone was tired of hearing my faith. Then it was lost. The worst of the worst. And looking at it now, all I want to do is apologize for how I've treated faith. How I've skirted Jesus. I wouldn't be at this point without that period though. I wouldn't be working through everything and trying to fully understand who it is, and what it is that I'm all about. It feels good to know that. Feels like maybe I'm working to let myself off the hook a little bit.

I'm turning over a new leaf. That's a chapter of my life that I most certainly cannot ignore. God was trying to get my attention for so long- trying to show me that there was still pieces of light in the darkness I had wrapped myself in. I just blocked it out. Covered myself in a blanket of disbelief and called it a day. I'm peeling back everything and starting over. Completely over. Apprehensive, but more ready than I think I've ever been. There's so much Joy in this new process that I don't think I can ever truly contain it.

I started the Beth Moore program online today. Caylynn and Ash had recommended it and while I might be taking 4 classes this summer there's always time for Faith. I'm starting to reconcile with the concept that a relationship with God is something I want. There's been too much in my life where I let other forces dictate the direction. Right now though, I just can't. So, I set aside an hour and completed week one.

She talked about really believing in God. Not calling to Him for a blessing, for a moment of crisis, for a miscommunication, but using these next 9 weeks as a process of growing through faith. Growing with the word of the Lord and the truths that he has set up for us. The grace that he has given- the unapologetic answers he is willing to provide for us the minute we truly open up and allow him inside. When asked to look at a passage from Galations I really felt every ounce of hope that I had needed:

For through faith you are all children of God in Christ Jesus. For all of you who baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. Galations 3:36-29


Simple, sure. In some sense though, this was exactly what I needed. I just need to know that this is it. That I can do this. That I can continue through my faith examination with Jesus and just reach the better conclusion of life. To live my life for Him and understand that NOW is the time. Now is the time. It's taken me a bit to say that and stomach the baggage that might come along, but there's no greater moment. There's no greater God than the one I've got wrapped within me.

I am so excited to begin the next section with Beth and the video series. I think it's going to be a wonderful experience and I can't wait to learn more of God's word. It's something I feel like I've cheated myself out of for awhile. Missing out on some wonderful things.

I love the five principles of faith. They're definitely going to be committed to memory soon.

God is who he says he is.
God can do all that he says he can do.
I am who God says I am.
I can do all things through Christ.
God's word is alive and active in me.

Wonderful. Challenged and encouraged as usual. I'm going to finish up my night time meditations and then try and get some sleep. Caylynn, good luck on your journey tomorrow lovebug.

With hope.