I Am Normal

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. Psalm: 111


I had the fantastic chance to surprise the kids with a visit today. Before I left this morning though, I listened to Epic podcast about toxic anxiety. I've just had a bunch of things starting in my life lately and yes, I've been a little anxious. Today it all kind of set in the for the first time. After listening, and I think after realizing that I'm not alone, I felt a sense of solace. It makes sense, right? Anxiety is just a reflex that translates to the the human condition of caring.

This morning I just had a moment of wonder. I woke up asking God what's on the docket for today and where exactly these apprehensions have come from. It's a weird process how all of this happened- from To Write Love and Arcadia to this newfound relationship I'm mending with God. At the same time, it's not weird at all. To put it simply, I think I woke up this morning feeling guilty- hoping that I could live up to the Christian I used to be and the follower I'm intended to be with Christ. It's important to me. More now than it ever has been. I just had a moment of concern and immediately I turned to Psalm 111 because I remember memorizing it for youth group. God had done it again and given me peace. It's normal for this to happen. It's normal for a sense of fear and a slight uneasiness. In every sense, knowing that it was okay, made this morning much easier. God had known my fears-

He knows that I'm nervous about my "qualifications" and yet, He considers it a learning experience. What a brilliant chance I have and the knowledge I truly do feel. It overwhelms me to know it. I'm so used to setting these ridiculously insane standards for myself. To knowing the answer and always being one step ahead of everything. It's an engrained pattern that I know I need to shake, and this morning really taught that to me. I can't expect to know every ounce of Faith. I can't expect myself to capture all of it in one shot. God knows that quicker than I do and I appreciate that. This passage made me pause before beginning my day and realize that it's okay to not have the answer. To be a bit apprehensive is merely because you want to put your best foot forward. I do. I want to do the best I can to continue in the footsteps of the Lord and embrace every path that he has pointed for me. The love is overwhelming.

In the car ride to school the nerves were gone and God's love was with me. I told my mom and she just smiled. She's lost a few tidbits of faith, but I think seeing it restored in me has slighted empowered her. I'm grateful for every moment.

Today was phenomenal. I walked in the classroom and Makylah turned around from her computer stunned to see me there. "You said you weren't coming today! Did you miss me that much?!" Truth is lady, I absolutely did. Sabian and I worked on a math exam. It's amazing how a kid says that they can't do something, yet they know absolutely every answer to the questions posed. He knew everything. He explained everything. And when he couldn't, he reached inside himself to wonder about the answer and ask for help. It was beautiful.

Makylah still struggles with the fact that she's not good enough. To me, she's an angel who knows exactly how to brighten up a room. I love each of these kids. I love her smile. Sabian's laugh. Estaban's humor. Jacquwa's eyes. Sam's hugs. Eric's energy. Kyre's jokes. They are all beautiful. They're all special. They're all worth it. They're all better for the conflicts they've been dealt. I know it's only been 3 days with them, but every second is worth it. I've learned so much about myself and the ways of the world. I've relearned the nature of love is a completely different aspect.

Cheesy as it is, as 3:30 I got in the car and thanked God for giving me those kids. I thanked him for welcoming me into their classroom and letting my heart just expand. I thanked him for preparing me for the things that I have encountered. For sending me the smiles, hugs, love and fun that I have experienced in the these past 3 days.

I was fearful of my place is the classroom, but I've learned more than ever. I might worry about my life with God, but I'm learning every single day. I'm challenged. I'm encouraged. The love is wonderful. God is good.

With hope.