Strength

I just finished up another night of bible study. Pouring over the words of God, trying to make sense of Faith. It's funny how Beth's principle topics for the prompts? Are exactly what I was thinking as I was going through the day of the lesson. It's nice to know someone's been there. In this side of the reflection pond. Starting out and evaluating themselves once again. It's a comfort, I guess.
I feel refreshed with this perspective though. I'm ready to go for tomorrow- whatever it is that comes my way and hit it full force. In whatever direction. It's not in my hands right now anyway. Particularly with everything with To Write Love. Which I will definitely update later on with information and progress reports. I really can't believe how much I'm learning through it.

Three kids in my class today told me that they didn't take or have their medications. This called for a number of breakdowns and negative self image problems. After coming home today I just tried to reflect- wondering what it is that I can give these kids and the strength that I can exert for them. That's something I'm hoping God will see. I can feel him with me in that classroom. Smiling down on those kids and warming my heart when I'm with them. I just hope it's putting the best foot forward- for them and for God.

I want to take them all and just be there. Be a resource for them when it feels like no one else will. Anchor them in and shelter them wholeheartedly. These kids have stories. Stories of strength and beauty. Of brokenness and edge. Of despair, sadness, sickness and hopelessness. Yet, I love them. I love their struggles. I love the challenges they come to me with- whether it's homework, a kid on the playground, or something at home. I just feel like God put me in that classroom to give them hope. To provide them with that one environment of safety. Of home and reason.
The teacher does the same. They light up when they see her. She is their light house and I love seeing the dynamic. I don't know how I'm going to leave them in 2 weeks. It will break my heart.

I'm emotional tonight, yet I think that's just God pointing in a number of directions. I think it's God telling me to keep working at to write love, at my faith and with these kids. I'm empowered and inspired beyond belief.

I'm compelled to include Jamie and Renee tonight. Jamie's faith and Renee's story remind me again and again the wonders of God. 

Highlight tonight:  according to your faith, it will be done for you.

Hebrews 11:6. Once again.

Your story IS important. 

With hope.

Messages

I've been working through the believing God workbook for this week and I just feel so empowered- so much more enlightened. It's like pieces of myself, my inner thoughts, are thoroughly and continually making sense. I am ever so grateful for this experience. I feel like this was the perfect time in my life to attempt to reconnect and make sense of everything. To take a stand for myself.

There's a phrase that says, "God, some of the rewards I've already received through seeking You are..." and I literally wrote, the fact that I can seek you and talk it out. No matter what. I've always had this motion that Faith was something to keep behind closed doors. Sure, I talked about it with family and youth group, but after my family broke it down I wasn't sure. Religion is always a shaky territory for discussion and honestly, I've always had this nervous twitch in my stomach when it comes up. Lately though, I've noticed that I just want to share it. I want to tell people what it is that I'm learning and the things that I'm rediscovering. It's still murky ground because of company and because I'm merely in the beginning, but I have never really wanted to share that aspect of my life with anyone. Now, it's like it's starting to flood and I'm proud of it. Proud is the best way to describe it.

It's never going to be easy. Then again, what is? Through all of this though, it's getting easier to just Trust and explore. Explore without limits and without guilt. Explore just because I'm on a path toward seeking. I'm genuinely happy with this path- happy with my life choices- and peaceful in what's to come. I haven't felt like this for awhile. It's nice.

Tomorrow I have public speaking in the morning and then I get to spend the afternoon with the best kids in the world. My heart swells whenever I get the chance to talk about them. I'm still amazed at having the chance for this experience. For their smiles.

My speech Thursday? Has to be demonstrative. I think I'm going to do: How to have a conversation in Spanish. Maybe the kiddos can teach me a thing or two. =)

There's two passages that really hit home for me tonight. I already feel content with their message.

Hebrews 11:6
Isaiah 54:10

Oh! And this video/ song has been in my head all day today. Just feel like it's moving me forward in my journey.

We Were Made For You- Aaron Gillespie

With Hope.

Because He Said So

More than anything today I spent time doing some work for my online classes and trying to just keep track of everything for the laundry list coming ahead. I never really realized how much I had decided to take on, but I know and am confident in the ability to sift through everything and make sense of it.

I also spent some time today just talking to God. Literally, chatting it up, as I like to call it. I just felt like I needed to break things down and have a conversation with Him about some of these things. More importantly, to just kind of reflect on yesterday's initial bible study and some of the things I hope to get from that. It was a genuinely good and eye opening experience. I plan on doing week number 2 tomorrow if I can because I know this upcoming week will be crazy. I feel content with all of this and after today, some of the anxious thought I had are started to settle. It's a nice wave coming through right now. I even facebook messaged Candace today and I think we might just try and talk about the homework of Beth's study together. I'm excited to have that relationship with her.

I went out on a limb today merely because I believe that God was telling me to do so. My best friend since first grade is the person I acquired much of my faith in Jesus from. She taught me what it means to follow Christ and stood with me when religion seemed just a little too complicated for us kids. I will never forget those moments and those experiences. In our late years of middle school and high school she got involved with drugs and the wrong crowd. I watched her spiral in more ways than I think I can ever truly share with anyone. There's been a pitfall of emotions intact in our friendship and I truly know that it will never be back to where it once was. Nonetheless, my heart will forever and always be hers.

At 19 she's now 5 months pregnant. To say I'm worried about her health, as well as the baby's is simply an understatement. I saw her at her mother's house, right next door for the first time in a few months. The baby bump that everyone speaks about? Yup. I've seen it. I was almost brought to tears about it.

When she first found out she called me asking if I would be the godmother. You never really forget the bond you have with a person, no matter the things that have been channeled through it. After apprehension, anxiety and tons of conversation, I accepted. Sure, I accepted because she asked me, but I also accepted for the thought of that baby. I want that baby to be loved and nurtured. The baby deserves to know that while their mother has strayed, while she has made destructive choices, she is still a mother nonetheless. I want to try and be an influence, a comfort for her and the baby. When I accepted 5 moths ago, I didn't think it would feel like this, but seeing her today I just felt like God was asking me to take her  in. To love her. Again and again.

He does it for each of us, so why can't I live like Him and accept her? Am I happy about the lies and the hurt, the pain and mistakes? Never. Does that deserve to outweigh every other memory? Never.

Tonight, I'm just trying to keep my faith high. I'm asking God to watch over and that baby, asking Him to love her like I know he always will. I can only ask that whoever reads this would say a quick prayer- chat it up with God and just ask him to keep her strong. To keep the baby strong and give her the ounces of faith that she so graciously gave before. It hasn't been easy, and that's no excuse. I can only hope that this experience will remind her of God's hand. Of the plan for her and the baby. (Who she's convinced is her son). I know she's thinking of adoption, so please just pray that she gains the knowledge to make a heartfelt decision. One where the life of that child comes before anything. Help her to restore her faith in herself and in God himself. She's got it in their somewhere and I know she knows his awesomeness.

I pray that she is willing to teach the baby about the goodness and love of God. Jesus is absolutely amazing. I know we could be great teaches together.

Challenged- check. Encouraged- check.

With hope.

New leaf

I kept wondering today about the things I had written yesterday. Wondering whether I was good enough, human, normal and on the right track toward continuing my excavation with Jesus. I started pouring through some things realizing that a lot of it has been very superficial. Sure, in middle school and freshman year everyone was tired of hearing my faith. Then it was lost. The worst of the worst. And looking at it now, all I want to do is apologize for how I've treated faith. How I've skirted Jesus. I wouldn't be at this point without that period though. I wouldn't be working through everything and trying to fully understand who it is, and what it is that I'm all about. It feels good to know that. Feels like maybe I'm working to let myself off the hook a little bit.

I'm turning over a new leaf. That's a chapter of my life that I most certainly cannot ignore. God was trying to get my attention for so long- trying to show me that there was still pieces of light in the darkness I had wrapped myself in. I just blocked it out. Covered myself in a blanket of disbelief and called it a day. I'm peeling back everything and starting over. Completely over. Apprehensive, but more ready than I think I've ever been. There's so much Joy in this new process that I don't think I can ever truly contain it.

I started the Beth Moore program online today. Caylynn and Ash had recommended it and while I might be taking 4 classes this summer there's always time for Faith. I'm starting to reconcile with the concept that a relationship with God is something I want. There's been too much in my life where I let other forces dictate the direction. Right now though, I just can't. So, I set aside an hour and completed week one.

She talked about really believing in God. Not calling to Him for a blessing, for a moment of crisis, for a miscommunication, but using these next 9 weeks as a process of growing through faith. Growing with the word of the Lord and the truths that he has set up for us. The grace that he has given- the unapologetic answers he is willing to provide for us the minute we truly open up and allow him inside. When asked to look at a passage from Galations I really felt every ounce of hope that I had needed:

For through faith you are all children of God in Christ Jesus. For all of you who baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. Galations 3:36-29


Simple, sure. In some sense though, this was exactly what I needed. I just need to know that this is it. That I can do this. That I can continue through my faith examination with Jesus and just reach the better conclusion of life. To live my life for Him and understand that NOW is the time. Now is the time. It's taken me a bit to say that and stomach the baggage that might come along, but there's no greater moment. There's no greater God than the one I've got wrapped within me.

I am so excited to begin the next section with Beth and the video series. I think it's going to be a wonderful experience and I can't wait to learn more of God's word. It's something I feel like I've cheated myself out of for awhile. Missing out on some wonderful things.

I love the five principles of faith. They're definitely going to be committed to memory soon.

God is who he says he is.
God can do all that he says he can do.
I am who God says I am.
I can do all things through Christ.
God's word is alive and active in me.

Wonderful. Challenged and encouraged as usual. I'm going to finish up my night time meditations and then try and get some sleep. Caylynn, good luck on your journey tomorrow lovebug.

With hope.

I Am Normal

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. Psalm: 111


I had the fantastic chance to surprise the kids with a visit today. Before I left this morning though, I listened to Epic podcast about toxic anxiety. I've just had a bunch of things starting in my life lately and yes, I've been a little anxious. Today it all kind of set in the for the first time. After listening, and I think after realizing that I'm not alone, I felt a sense of solace. It makes sense, right? Anxiety is just a reflex that translates to the the human condition of caring.

This morning I just had a moment of wonder. I woke up asking God what's on the docket for today and where exactly these apprehensions have come from. It's a weird process how all of this happened- from To Write Love and Arcadia to this newfound relationship I'm mending with God. At the same time, it's not weird at all. To put it simply, I think I woke up this morning feeling guilty- hoping that I could live up to the Christian I used to be and the follower I'm intended to be with Christ. It's important to me. More now than it ever has been. I just had a moment of concern and immediately I turned to Psalm 111 because I remember memorizing it for youth group. God had done it again and given me peace. It's normal for this to happen. It's normal for a sense of fear and a slight uneasiness. In every sense, knowing that it was okay, made this morning much easier. God had known my fears-

He knows that I'm nervous about my "qualifications" and yet, He considers it a learning experience. What a brilliant chance I have and the knowledge I truly do feel. It overwhelms me to know it. I'm so used to setting these ridiculously insane standards for myself. To knowing the answer and always being one step ahead of everything. It's an engrained pattern that I know I need to shake, and this morning really taught that to me. I can't expect to know every ounce of Faith. I can't expect myself to capture all of it in one shot. God knows that quicker than I do and I appreciate that. This passage made me pause before beginning my day and realize that it's okay to not have the answer. To be a bit apprehensive is merely because you want to put your best foot forward. I do. I want to do the best I can to continue in the footsteps of the Lord and embrace every path that he has pointed for me. The love is overwhelming.

In the car ride to school the nerves were gone and God's love was with me. I told my mom and she just smiled. She's lost a few tidbits of faith, but I think seeing it restored in me has slighted empowered her. I'm grateful for every moment.

Today was phenomenal. I walked in the classroom and Makylah turned around from her computer stunned to see me there. "You said you weren't coming today! Did you miss me that much?!" Truth is lady, I absolutely did. Sabian and I worked on a math exam. It's amazing how a kid says that they can't do something, yet they know absolutely every answer to the questions posed. He knew everything. He explained everything. And when he couldn't, he reached inside himself to wonder about the answer and ask for help. It was beautiful.

Makylah still struggles with the fact that she's not good enough. To me, she's an angel who knows exactly how to brighten up a room. I love each of these kids. I love her smile. Sabian's laugh. Estaban's humor. Jacquwa's eyes. Sam's hugs. Eric's energy. Kyre's jokes. They are all beautiful. They're all special. They're all worth it. They're all better for the conflicts they've been dealt. I know it's only been 3 days with them, but every second is worth it. I've learned so much about myself and the ways of the world. I've relearned the nature of love is a completely different aspect.

Cheesy as it is, as 3:30 I got in the car and thanked God for giving me those kids. I thanked him for welcoming me into their classroom and letting my heart just expand. I thanked him for preparing me for the things that I have encountered. For sending me the smiles, hugs, love and fun that I have experienced in the these past 3 days.

I was fearful of my place is the classroom, but I've learned more than ever. I might worry about my life with God, but I'm learning every single day. I'm challenged. I'm encouraged. The love is wonderful. God is good.

With hope.

I'm ready, God

I guess you could say I've never really been sure of my purpose. I mean, I knew it's hiding in there somewhere, inside my soul, but it just has never really hit me exactly what is meant. My workbook of Beth Moore came in the mail today from Amazon and I couldn't be more thrilled. I chose to wait for it to arrive before I would start the 10 week program Ashley was talking about. I've been ear to ear since it came; I can already tell it's going to be a great experience. God is giving me permission to wonder and explore His depths. I can feel Him truly welcoming me and it's beyond perfect.

On Wednesday I started working with some elementary school kids. My dad works for the school district of Pennsauken in New Jersey and I've decided to do my Global Reflections class with some of the kids he knows. He works in administration, but I get the pleasure of going to see these kids. The best part? They're a group of behavioral challenged and emotionally disturbed children. I mention that because I kid you not when I say that they are THE BEST kids I have ever seen. I spent 4 hours with them on Wednesday and 2 more today. Of course, they have issues and challenges (whether it be physical contact with other kids or emotional breakdowns) but I wouldn't change it for the world.

It's my second day and when I walked in today 3 of the kids ran up to me screaming, "Miss Oliver!" I was in Heaven. Apparently, they thought I wasn't visiting today. They had assumed was just there for the one day to chill and that was it. It literally brightened my day. I spend time with them helping with homework, asking them about their day (a lot of times they don't get this attention at home) and just teaching them to be responsible. Today, I helped a little girl Makylah because she's struggling in understanding that she's beautiful just the way she is. No matter what. By the end of the day? She had drawn me a picture that's currently hanging here in my room and given me a few countless hugs. We're best friends.

I just detailed a good portion of my day, but what's the point? This morning before I left for class (a public speaking course) and before heading over to school this afternoon I told God, "I'm ready. I'm ready for whatever it is you have today." my dad had told me some of this might be a challenge, so I just wanted God to be with me. I wanted Him to walk beside me and guide me through the day- give me the extra dose of strength that I needed. Not only did he stick with me, but He gave me more than I ever possibly imagine.

Sitting with those kids I felt His hand in my work. No, I wasn't teaching them worship, but I was teaching them love. It felt for a second like I was giving these kids the ounce of hope that they each deserve day in and day out. It's not easy for kids who are diagnosed with ADD, ADHD, BiPolar and the like. It's not easy for any kid, really, but I just felt so overwhelmed with joy. There was a purpose as to why I had been  "assigned" to this particular group of students and it wasn't just to satisfy this class requirement. It's not even about that anymore.

I have a home among those kids and each of them has a place in my heart. A place in God's wonderful quilt and I really hope that they can see how special they are. Each of them has a great gift that they've been given. God's given me the power to see each of them through and provide them with a sense of safety. I know school's the place you really have to be careful, but reflecting back on it now, I just feel like it was so intentional. I know it was intentional. I asked God to prepare me. I explained that I was ready for whatever message I could produce, whatever knowledge their was to gain, and as usual, He's delivered.

I can't wait to get back to those kids again on Monday. I know it's only the beginning, but that's the most beautiful part- this is just the beginning of everything. I can see myself being in this kind of environment as a career choice- giving kids the strength they need. Restoring them. Reaching out to them. It's wonderful.

Challenged? Absolutely. Challenged by their behavior. Challenged by the faith in myself and my purpose as a role model. Challenged to continually follow Jesus- to take these moments and feelings, realizing that their moments of His grace. Challenged to let go.

Encouraged? Without a doubt. Encouraged to start the next chapter of my life with Bible study. Encouraged to reach inside myself and reconstruct the faith with God. Encouraged to continue working with these kids and help them pull out the faith in themselves.

I'm in awe.

With Hope.

Here it is

I've considered doing this for awhile now, just because Tumblr wasn't enough. Sometimes it's amazing how you can feel like a writing machine. Maybe in part, this choice began with Jamie and To Write Love because of everything they do, of every message he sends. Man oh man, that guy is good. 

Up until about three months ago, I had lost faith in God. I had drained the belief that he was present in my life and holding onto me so tightly, guiding me in directions that I could have never imagined. I got angry at my faith for not giving me answers, for keeping one of my friends from me. Even though he's been gone for 7 years now. I was so bitter and lost- lost without hope and without optimism. Just floating, hoping I'd make it somewhere safe. The light at the end of the tunnel and happiness in life just didn't exist for me. There was no spark whatsoever.

Then a friend asked me to go to Epic Church with her. She asked me to attend out of the kindness of her heart, and we later experienced her Baptism. It sounds insane and maybe a little ridiculous, but that truly is the day I think Jesus opened the doors for me again. Jamie says that you'll find faith when you stop looking because blessings are all around. God is with us everyday, we just have to stop rushing Him and commanding that He becomes known. Musician Aaron Gillespie says that you'll feel his touch in your heart when it's meant to really change you. When you accept that something like His grace is meant for you. I walked in that movie theater not expecting much of a change, but I left awestruck. 

A community was built to worship. Each person was there because they wanted to get closer to Jesus, to experience his impact beyond some Sunday obligation. Sad as it seems, that the exposure I had as a kid. It wasn't until I reached my teenage years and participated in a local youth group that I really understood. There's so much more beauty, so much emphasis and so much piece in knowing that God will walk you through anything and everything. He will walk with you in any direction and that's a great comfort to me. 

So Epic, thank you. Jesus, thank you for welcoming me back into your home. It's the peace, the inspiration and solace that I've needed for awhile now. It just took me awhile to see it. Yet, now that I can understand each new gift and each new day, I feel more empowered than ever. This truly is a blessing to be given another chance as a person of faith, as a Christian and a believer. 

I'm hanging out with God this summer. Doing some worship. Doing some bible study. Doing a vacation bible school. I couldn't be more thrilled to have the chance to bring God in all of these aspects of life and make the message known. I want to give it back because people deserve know His love. I've spent too much time being this angst ridden, brooding teenager after some pretty tragic times in my life. Now, on the flipside, love is the movement. God is the movement.

This blog is just something for me to document where I come with Jesus by my side. It's going to help me come together and eventually, to let go completely. I'll get there. I know it. 

At Epic Kent says to live everyday with your heart challenged and encouraged. My journey with God, and through some processes of my own, is going to be just that: challenges and encouragement mixed together in this ridiculous melody. I'm ready for it all to swell. 

With hope.