Flicker

It's 1:15 AM and I'm finally done homework for the night. It's been forever and a day since I've taken a breather to sit down and write here. To explain myself, if you will. Needless to say, this semester is already beginning to challenge me in more ways than I can ever truly have been ready for. I've learned that trying to tackle of this is a bigger beast than I would have expected months ago, but then again, God wouldn't tell me to do it in 3 years if He didn't think I could do it, right? Well, that's what I always hope He's stepping me toward anyway. Should be an interesting year.

I had the chance to go up to the Poconos with some wonderful people from ACF a few weeks ago. Words cannot fully describe the way that weekend had seemed to shift me and my perspective, the way it continues to do so even as I'm sitting down right now. Not only was it wonderful to share the grace and movement of God with other people, to see them on fire for God's plans, but it was just to nice. Nice to find more space and time outside of my head than I ever have before.

I firmly believe that that weekend was God's way of telling me to take care of myself and to slow down. This is going to be a time of overdrive and I need to give myself that time to stop the bus and walk around a little bit. That weekend kept it intact completely. I have to say- journaling there was just so refreshing because I was able to talk to God more and reflect more than I think I've had in a long time. It was a weekend conversation asking God to keep moving in me. To keep me going, but to keep shaping me and make sure that I don't stay too stationary. To teach me. To provide love and hope in the larger picture.

I came back ready to roll.

Though I might be stressed and a little bit uneasy after tonight's bible study, I know it's because I just need to keep evaluating myself. One step at a time. Because all too often I try to leap so far ahead to the answer. This isn't a game of leap frog though, is it?

Caylynn's running a bible study on the book of Jonah: A Life Interrupted and it's been perfect so far. It's just been so real because it seems like that was my entire, or a good portion of my summer. It was God reaching inside and rattling me to the core since I had asked him to overwhelm me. To prove and show Himself to me. It was an interruption then, and it's one now.

It's week three. It's week three and God won't stop lurking around inside of me. He's leaving the light on for me and I'm just trying to continually get to the point where I feel the warmth.

Tonight talked about the idea of when God pushes us in one direction, we instantly run to another, and we fall into the consequence of all of that various destruction. Will He eventually get us out, certainly. Certainly He's going to reach into the gut of our problems, of our sins and our misfortunes and completely deconstruct us to rebuild once again. Which, brings me to why this hit home so much with me.

I feel like every time I get my feet firmly planted I make a mistake. I falter in the presence of fully understanding and living up to God and I have no idea how ridiculous that sounds. In feeling like I'm slipping up, I'm worried whether I'm failing him. Whether I'm falling so short that there's not much left for me to cling onto. It's this weird exposure of feelings and fear. I'm waving in the wind hoping to swept up into His hand once more. Selfish as it sounds.

God, please don't let me let you down. Don't let the golden casing of your grace crack. I've hid and run for so long from you that I think this is just me poking myself out more and more. But I want to be enough for your plans, Lord. I want to be the person you've slowly created and known me to be since the beginning of time. And when I screw up like lately? I know I'm not free. I still feel like I'm floundering in consequence and wonder of You, but please. Please just leave the light on for me?

Praying for a dose of Grace

Plans

"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen"
-Hebrews 11:1

I don't think words can ever truly and honestly explain what has been going in my life these past few weeks. School has started here at Arcadia and there's just so much on the horizon. There's so much to do as far as school and classes, new living, and just getting acclimated to everything. I want to be the best of everything that I can this year. I want to really kind of show myself and continue along in my faith toward Jesus. Toward the love of Jesus. It's been a crazy, busy summer and I'm just ready for the next few months. No matter how much I have to stretch myself I'm determined to do everything I can.

This past week was the activities fair on campus. The club I've worked to get going on campus, To Write Love Arcadia Uchapter, has finally been approved and wonderful. I came home Thursday night and checked the sign up sheets. Are you ready? 170 signatures! Insane!

Sitting there that day was something really humbling for me. It was so nice to see people coming up and asking what the story was about, signing themselves up for a story of hope and help. Sharing in this journey with me. It humbled me because people were willing to acknowledge the need for help on campus. People don't have to share their stories with me, but 170 people signed up for a reason. 170 people came and attempted to reach out in whatever way possible. It's crazy how I feel right now.

I came home that night and just kept talking to Jesus. I kept thanking Him for allowing these people to come into my life. For Jamie and his ability to actually get a haven like this moving. It's been crazy and and hectic and wonderful. Clearly, this felt like Hebrews 11:1 for me. The outburst is evidence not seen- I have the utmost Faith that God is watching over me with this whole project- with the absolute fruition I've seen in this. I'm beyond excited to see what else God has hanging in the rafters for me.

I wrote a letter to Greg & Ashley today because I felt like I just really needed to sit down and thank them for absolutely everything. This summer has been an amazing one and without it? I don't think I would be half of the person I am right now. Or that I will be in the next few months. Ash & Greg, if you happen to read this, just know how much you mean to me. Know how great you are for extending your hand to me and watching me grow in my steps toward Jesus.

I've been praying & thinking about a lot lately. A lot of different plans for the semester and goals for myself. I've been thinking so much about what I want to get out of this year and the different experiments I kind of want to put myself through. The first and foremost will be Thesis: I'm asking for God just to have heart and faith with me in this walk. In this quest toward really figuring out who I am and where it is I'm meant to go.

I've talked to Caylynn a lot and told her that I really want to get more involved with Jesus, with teaching His Word and teaching the wonders. I want to completely dive into everything and I think Youth Ministries is inspiring some of that. I'm ready to continue falling head over heals for Jesus' love. I can only continue praying that I get the guidance and that God will lead me somewhere that allows me to get so close to Him that I'm breathing in his greatness every second. We'll see what happens.

To some of this I have to remain completely blind with my heart open forever. Overwhelm me, Jesus.