Fears vs. Dreams

I'm extremely emotional this Sunday. Maybe it's because school's around the corner and so much is on the horizon. Maybe it's because there's a busy semester up ahead. Maybe it's the apprehension of graduating early. A whole year early. Or maybe it's bigger.


I'm sitting on my bed playing the same song on repeat. Getting ready to just have some quiet time with God since I've got the afternoon home, and I just can't put my finger on it. The emotion isn't any of this anxiety- none of these worries- it's God's love. God's gravity. God's beauty. It's all just hitting me more than anything I've ever felt- more than anything I can ever explain.


I've just watched a video posting from To Write Love about this project that Jamie and some of his friends started. It's called, "Fears vs. Dreams" and it's all about sharing a piece of the story. About being vulnerable for that time, and coming together as a community. What's your biggest fear? What's your greatest dream? Two question with loaded answers. Overwhelmed? Absolutely.


The video was over and I just sat here. I sat here just asking God if I could do this. If I could carry out this mission of hope and help along with His message of glory and redemption. As usual, I cried. But it wasn't just an amazed moment, it was a heartbreaking moment. An exchange of fears and dreams with the Creator Himself. Can I do this God? Can I combine both of these and just run- just run in the path of your love? Can I do absolutely everything that's sitting on the doorstep this year, this day, this week, this month?


Overdrive.


The answer: Yes. Yes. Have Faith and it all falls into place. I just felt God's touch here with me, sitting in my room and asking him for help. And I just felt lifted. I felt comforted beyond my wildest dreams. Beyond every single fear that's been stemming in my heart and brewing in my mind. I'm an anxious follower and as much as God keeps telling me to let go- I'm harboring almost all of it. Today was different. The breakdown is just the beginning of letting go. Just the beginning of my own fears versus dreams journey. That's the beauty of this whole process. Thank you, Jesus.


Maybe this is a silly little update, but this is everything I'm going through. This is every moment with God at my side and in my heart. This is every plunge and I'm doing everything I can for Him.


A friend suggested I check out the story of Your Life Ministries. Hesitant whether I was good enough for this next step, I went online and looked into it. I fell in love. It's like To Write Love with Christian centered doctrines and love. It's amazing how one singer, Jake Luhrs of August Burns Red, can share his story with Jesus and then go out with his wife and crew and spread the hope through Jesus. I'm looking into doing some work for them. I already feel motivated to take that step forward. It's a giant one.


That being said, I'm not stopping this dream with To Write Love. It seems like everyday the dedication and drive to be a part of that team gets larger and larger. It's a beautiful thing. No matter what, I've been brought to hope because of To Write Love. Always and forever. Recovery happens everyday and I attribute it to nothing less. October, I'm ready.


I wasn't able to bible study with the kids at the local Church this summer. They never called me to give my shift for the kids and the age groups. I called, but no answer. I was bummed beyond belief, but I think it's given me some more time to just sit and reflect with God. Of course, I'm not sitting because of these 4 summer classes, but this has been the best summer by far. I won't stop praising Him for the discovery that's come along. Nothing's bigger. So, I might not have gotten involved in the ministry with these kids like I wanted to, but God closes one door and opens another. Always does. He's just waiting for the right time.


Well, I think I'm going to go and do some bible study work. Still trucking through those weeks with Beth and uncovering great things every single time I sit down.


My emotions are on high. I have no idea what's in story next, but I know that I'm on a journey with fears vs. dreams.

FEAR: My biggest fear is that I’m not good enough for this life and that my own insecurities will be the death of me.

DREAM: My greatest dream is to live it ALL for God. Literally, all of my life. To spread His message wholeheartedly. To walk with the broken and hear their wonderful stories. 

What's your biggest fear? What's your greatest dream?

God's moving. <3

Blurb

God's moving. So quick and so good. I want to update tonight and I'm determined to do so. Just a few things standing in between that time:

Anthropology exam

Native American Fiction paper

Emails stretching on forever.

Discussion boards.

Poetry readings.

A trip to the Sonshine store! Deciding to get a new Bible. I know, God's word is always God's word, but it's just something. Something fresh- that final piece. I feel like the one I have from my youth still holds resentment.

Never good.

God bless everyone.

Update to come.

There's a song overwhelming my heart

I've found it on the To Write Love tumblr. It was just something I really needed to hear, and it's been working every since.

Everyone is truly beautiful. 

Scars make us wonderful. It's taken me a long time to see that, but it's refreshing. 

God is sheltering me and it's heartbreakingly joyous.

This is it. 

Nothing's bigger.

Praise Jesus.

Worship

I've got a thousand different things going on, but I'm absolutely stoked for them all.

I talked to my mom yesterday about my plan to be baptized. She wasn't surprised, she just didn't expect it like this I think. I think she misses having some of that connection with me and with God himself. Yet, she supports me fully. That's all I could ask for. She listened with an open mind and a ready hard, and I just was floored. All I could do yesterday was praise God for staying with me.

Everything was fine at the doctors, hallelujah. They actually said that if I keep up the mobility and training I have so intensely, it's possible I'll be able to transition to something outside of this blue hunk of metal. Crazy good. Just going to have to keep working as hard as I can at that and see what comes of it. It's always been a struggle and a challenge no doubt, but there's always been a purpose and a better meaning underneath everything that's come from one diagnosis.

I sent an email to the Director of Internships for To Write Love today. After the appointment yesterday I just felt compelled to tell someone what I was thinking of. The mail just told her of my condition and some of the concerns I have about applying for the internship itself. I told her I want to put my best foot forward because this chance means everything. This organization is absolutely everything to me and during the typing of the email I just looked up to God and said, "let's do this. I never know until I try." And in that moment, I kid you not things happened. My heart swelled with opportunity. It open all over again.  The most beautiful thing I've experienced. God right there. Right here. Right now.

Less than an hour later I got an email back. It said, "Having cerebral palsy will never stop us from accepting those devoted. I don't even know you Kayleen, but I hear the passion. I hear the drive. Please do apply when I open the deadline in October. I look forward to seeing and reading your application. We'll talk again soon."

So, October. I wait. I hope. I pray.

Anyone who reads this and God alone is probably just wondering why I would think otherwise. Why would I stumble? What would cause me to halt? This condition has never stopped me in anything I've ever done, and I hoped it wouldn't this time, but I need to give everything I have to this organization. I can feel the fire in my heart and it's getting stronger everyday. I honestly, feel like God is calling me to lend out this wonderful hand to those who are struggling and I will never miss that. I will never diminish that chance. Hope & lots of prayer in these next few months. It comes down to this.

I start working with the local church and their Vacation Bible School next week. I'm so pumped to see kids on fire for Jesus. I'm so ready to stand up and worship in everything that God has provided for me since I've continued to invest, love and trust in him. There's nothing more I can say for that other than praising Jesus.

I remember the VBS program. I remember how great it felt to hear someone speak of the greatest God I've known. I remember leaving every night, overwhelmed with hope from the youth leaders. With hope from Jesus himself. There was plenty of faith. I'm burning with excitement to reach inside this group of youth and pull out their quest for Jesus. It's going to be an amazing experience.

I recently borrowed some music from a friend because I didn't really feel like I've had a worthwhile worship collection. I needed the freshness just for moments like now. For the glory of Him. I keep playing Chris Tomlin's "Our God" the live version. It's moving me to tears a little bit. Maybe that doesn't make sense, but I'm finally processing this new journey with Jesus. I'm just overwhelmed at how He's let me back in once more to learn the message, the goodness and his truths.

It hasn't been long since I started this blog, but I feel completely different from the first post. I feel transformed in God's love. Like there's nothing that can really break me apart as long as I continue to swim in the faith of Him. There's a feeling you get at your core where the world doesn't seem real, and that's been these past few weeks for me. And when I ask God what it is that's going on, he holds me close and just says to keep working. There is nothing He won't do for any of us and I don't think that's really hit me until now. Phew, I'm shaken. Shaken with joy. With hope and love. God, you're burning inside on high.

When I sit and think about everything, I think of the song I've got playing in the background right now.

"And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us?
And if our God is with us, then what could stand against?"

Nothing. Remember that everyone.
Summer 2012 Interns. Let's do this, Lord.

Continue moving. <3

Settled

I'm home, safe and settled.

There's a ton on my mind, but I know that it's going to work out somewhere along the line. God has a plan for each of these anxieties I've built and restored within myself. I know that the sooner I begin to let go and fully let Him settle the waters, the more beautiful this whole process will be.

Caylynn told me this afternoon she got into the World Race. I'm floored at the way God works in her. Every single day there is something new.

I got a call tonight that I'm accepted to do VBS with the kids next week. Definitely excited to just watch them be overwhelmed with God. It's going to be fantastic.

Tomorrow's an important day for me. I go for a yearly check up just to make sure that my CP hasn't gotten worse. That my muscles haven't gotten tighter and "all the gears are still working as they should be." I know maybe I shouldn't worry, but I always do. It's important for me to know that I'm doing okay. Setbacks are fine. I just want to keep trucking if I can do. So please, if you can? Just say a quick prayer. And, when I see all of the other teenage kids down at Temple tomorrow- because their are always ones getting surgeries or checking into the hospital, just let God be there. Let Him take them in his arms always. It's a scary time with a lot of questions- my family and I have been there.

It's important.

Joshua 1:5

With hope,

Kaylene

Mixed Emotion

It's really been awhile since I've sat down to take some time to reflect on anything. What better time to do that than in the Ft. Lauderdale Airport waiting to go back to the good old Philadelphia area. I've loved my time here beyond belief- it was just what I needed to rejuvenate myself and, in my own way, get a little bit closer to God and some of the potential plans he has for my future.

My dad and I came here with the intent to check on my grandparents. We received word that my grandmother was struggling with her memory and some other things and God allowed us to find a flight the next morning to come here. The beginning of amazement. We stepped off the planned and I just felt renewed. It was nice to see a different area, to feel a different temperature in the air and feel myself wake up a little bit. Yes, I knew I had work to get done and I still have a little bit to finish, but God will help me out. I know he's been watching me and telling me to just take a breather, so that's exactly what I've been trying to do. We arrived at my grandparents house to one of the greatest surprises: my family from texas- aunt, uncle and their 4 kids- were there waiting for us. We haven't seen each other in about 6 years. IT'S AMAZING how kids grow. It's even more how old you can feel in a matter of two seconds.

That night after I'd taken some time to talk to my cousins and catch up on their lives. To see what their future plans are and whether or not they're looking forward to college, I felt overwhelmed. I went in the back room and just prayed to God. The hardest I think I have in awhile. I thanked him for getting us there safely of course, but I thanked him endlessly for bringing us together again after so much time. They're not a family of believers, but I could feel something moving us as we just sat around the table talking about life. God was there. He was in a different form for everyone, but He was there no less. I broke down in complete adoration and appreciation.

My two oldest cousins and I made nightly trips to Dunkin Donuts. Simple, sure. Yet when you don't have  Dunkin in Texas? It's heaven. Every night I just thanked God for giving me that time with them. For opening my heart and letting me here their stories, see their growth and see the wonderful men that they are becoming. Even now I'm getting emotional thinking about it. We just left them 3 hours ago and I already miss them dearly.

I had talked to Caylynn before coming down here about telling my family my rediscoveries in Faith. I've wanted to talk about it ever since things started reviving in me, but I was afraid to sit and have the conversation. Before my dad and I had left I told myself we would talk. No matter what. I just wanted him to listen and just hear me. Hear how I'm beginning to believe and love God.

So, the first night we got there? I did. I thought of Matthew 6:34 and just let my anxieties go to the wind. I've never ever been so anxious in my life, but I just handed it over completely. I told him the biggest decision: I'm getting baptized this year. Most likely at Epic in November. I just have to check the dates.

Man. There it is. It's happening.

He listened. He heard me. But he's not sold yet. In that moment though, I was not disappointed. I thanked God for at least giving me the courage and strength to speak about it. Whatever happens from here on is something that only the Lord can control.

Beyond that? We visited Cocoa Florida. For those of you who don't know, this is the To Write Love headquarters. My dad thought maybe we should drive out to the area while we had some time. No, I don't have the internship, and I might not get it, but I got to stand face to face with my dream. Only time will tell.

Again, I broke down. Emotional wreck. I felt God right with me. Speaking to me and my heart. Telling me to hold out and just keep working. Keep being devoted to To Write Love. Success is in different facets of life. I was just amazed. I'm still amazed. God was totally with me shaking me and getting to my deepest core. I don't know if I'm making sense, but I don't know if I can definitely describe the wonders of this week.

God is here. God is with me. And that's everything.

This week has been amazing in all aspects. I've experienced the wonder of God and Faith, of relationships and strength of dreams and hope. I'm floored.

We're getting ready to board the plane soon, but I just wanted to get this out. I've got a thousand different emotions running wild right now. Crazy!

Please just pray that we make it home safe tonight.
God's moving across the globe. <3