A friend asked for an update on my life. She said that I should take some time and just get everything out, form the thoughts in whatever way they come, and just leave a message of what’s going on. While I feel like I’ve been journaling so much lately with whatever paper I can find, and with whatever pen is still running full of ink, tonight I think she’s right. This is just one of those nights where I need to stop turning off the thoughts and just be completely honest, completely vulnerable and legitimate for at least a little while. Evie, this is the message you’re asking for.
I’ve honestly been feeling really lost lately. The new semester has started and while I’m really enjoying most of the classes, experiences, and time I’ve had thus far, I feel like there’s something missing. Of course, there’s 3 of my most wonderful friends missing, but they’re never far from my heart and that’s perfectly okay. I just. I feel like something’s lacking, something’s off with this semester and I can’t really seem to sit down and sort it out so it’s totally clear.
Maybe it’s the fact that I’m only taking 4 classes whereas usually I’m wrestling with 5 classes, a lab, and 2/3 jobs. Looking at my assignment book from last semester I honestly don’t know how I kept it together, but now this semester I just feel slightly empty. People keep telling me that I deserve this time, I deserve this break, and it’s like I believe them, but how can you expect an overcharged, overachieving, perfectionist to let go? How can you expect them to surrender to the down time and silence the worry? It hasn’t happened here yet and so, I’m just trying to figure out how to accommodate all of that together. It’s a bit of a weird feeling.
To make things a bit more challenging I’ve had a major loss to my life this week. We have a family friend, Gail, who has been a big part of my family for years now. She and her family were first closest to Janette’s (my brother’s wife) family because they live down the street, but as John and Janette continued dating Dan, Gail, and their boys, Cody and Dylan have really become a second part of our family. The boys both have severe conditions of autism, but Gail did everything in her power to make a difference for them. She worked day and night with an organization called, “Autism Speaks” just trying to spread awareness and raise money for the illness. She and Dan had another son who suffered from great disabilities and unfortunately passed away at the age of 27. Needless to say, it’s been a challenging life experience for the entire family, but through each obstacle Gail was seen and known to change lives.
My brother worked with her taking care of the house and renovations, working with Dan and being “another man” for him to hang out with, while simultaneously developing a great relationship with the boys. I worked with Gail in finding information about walks and fundraisers for the boys, and just. Every single time she came into a room Gail radiated hope. She told a story with a smile. It was beautiful.
Last Thursday, on my way to ACF I got a call from my mom, but didn’t pick it up in time to answer. I got home that night at around ten and called her back to find out that there had be an accident in Cherry Hill that afternoon. An SUV was stopped at a light, getting ready to head across the highway. When the SVU pulled out, so too did a dump-truck in the intersection. Carrying a load of sand the dump- truck proved to be too heavy and the load flipped entirely on the highway. When it did the SVU was crushed due to impact and the passenger was pronounced dead at the scene. The passenger, headed home from a weekly doctor’s appointment, was our family friend Gail Walsh.
I do not think the pictures I saw on the ABC website that night will ever leave my mind. Instantly, I broke down. Instantly I thought, “why God? How could you do this? To those boys? To Dan, her husband? To the lives she’s touched.” Still now, a week later, it brings a chill to my spine and a pain in my gut.
Yesterday was the funeral. I left class Wednesday night (at 10) and was home for the service in the morning. It never gets easier. My mom says that one thing you learn as you get older. The pain lasts, but it comes in brand new forms each time. I walked through the greeting, went up to Dan and he just stood stunned. Stunned that I had come down from school to celebrate her life. He hugged me for what felt like hours and the world just stopped. Everything just felt painfully real.
The boys were there, but they could only handle the service for so long. Eventually, their caretakers had to come and get them for a little bit until the service was over. Dylan seems to be putting things together, realizing that his mom has gone to Heaven now, but Cody seems to be out of it. John said that he asked the other day, “What time is mommy getting home?” And, well. All of just melted. My heart aches for those boys and for the months they have to endure.
As much as yesterday was a moment of grief and of high emotion, as much as this week has not been easy, I think it’s been a lesson for all of us. It’s been a lesson in making sure that your life isn’t lived solely for your own benefit, but that you use your skills and talents and crafts to make a difference elsewhere. Yesterday wasn’t just about the months of healing and memories that are going to have to come for all of us, it was about the truth and the vibrant life that Gail sought to bring to this world with every deed she did. Every person she met. Every conversation she had.
So, am I sad? Of course. Does it pain me to think how quickly things happen, how fast a life can be taken, and how hard it is going to be for life to resume? Of course. The pain will be with me for quiet awhile, but I’ll never forget her life. I’ll never stop doing everything I can to keep her alive. And where does that start?
It starts with checking on my brother, checking on Dan and the boys, checking on the world around us. It starts with knowing all that I can about Autism and about spreading that message, near and far. It’s about getting involved with Autism speaks and being a beacon for the cause. It’s about carry Gail on with me. Carrying her story and her hope.
