I really need to update soon.
Orientation is running my life. God's on high and I just feel so perfectly overwhelmed.
Soon for an update. I promise.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Short and Sweet
Packing for school- weird. It's definitely weirder this time around because I'm graduating this May. I can't believe this is the third year. I can't believe how different I am from when I first got to AU. Those feelings, those times spent in the ultimate sadness. The despair that I wish unto no one.
My dad recently asked me about my first semester. He asked to know the real story. So I laid it out. Laid out the pain, the desperation, the lack of hope and purpose. I told him that that time felt like it be one where I'd 1. end up in the hospital due to panic and never go back to school or 2. come home and never go back.
Here we are. 2 years down. Guess I made it huh?
I told him about the problems with self injury. He had always known since early in high school, but I don't think it ever clicked. I don't think he wanted to ever face it. And yeah, most of the scars are clean now, but it's still part of my story and I needed him to know that. Hard to digest? Sure. A reason for hope? Most definitely.
This summer and this past of my life have absolutely amazed me. I think I've uncovered a lot and made sense of who I am and what I want out of life. It's been a beautifully hectic journey and I'm ready for it to continue. I'm ready for God to just sweep me completely off my feet and move me to wherever it is that I'm meant to be. Glory to God, seriously.
Looking back on my initial post for this summer I've changed. I've grown in God, and while I'm still working on it, it's completely beautiful. Completely compelling. Was I absolutely nervous coming back to God and asking for Him to enter my life? Of course. I never really felt good enough. I felt like I had wronged him too many time for him to welcome me back. But, our God's amazing, so He opened arms and welcomed me in Faith. And now, when I sit and type this, when I pray and when I'm working through my bible, it just feels so good. So refreshing and clean to have that relationship with God. He brings so much peace, it's outstanding.
So maybe I can't share everything with my family, but at least they know pieces of it now, right? 2 years down and almost 1.5 years self injury clean. Feels good. Feels really good. Bits and pieces are out and that's perfect for me. Somewhere along the line it'll all come together for something greater. God works in great ways.
Am I nervous for the semester? Heck yes. Challenged beyond belief.
Am I excited for the semester? For twloha? for EVERYTHING? Heck yes. Beyond belief.
Here's to a semester of hope with God as my wing man.
God bless. <3
My dad recently asked me about my first semester. He asked to know the real story. So I laid it out. Laid out the pain, the desperation, the lack of hope and purpose. I told him that that time felt like it be one where I'd 1. end up in the hospital due to panic and never go back to school or 2. come home and never go back.
Here we are. 2 years down. Guess I made it huh?
I told him about the problems with self injury. He had always known since early in high school, but I don't think it ever clicked. I don't think he wanted to ever face it. And yeah, most of the scars are clean now, but it's still part of my story and I needed him to know that. Hard to digest? Sure. A reason for hope? Most definitely.
This summer and this past of my life have absolutely amazed me. I think I've uncovered a lot and made sense of who I am and what I want out of life. It's been a beautifully hectic journey and I'm ready for it to continue. I'm ready for God to just sweep me completely off my feet and move me to wherever it is that I'm meant to be. Glory to God, seriously.
Looking back on my initial post for this summer I've changed. I've grown in God, and while I'm still working on it, it's completely beautiful. Completely compelling. Was I absolutely nervous coming back to God and asking for Him to enter my life? Of course. I never really felt good enough. I felt like I had wronged him too many time for him to welcome me back. But, our God's amazing, so He opened arms and welcomed me in Faith. And now, when I sit and type this, when I pray and when I'm working through my bible, it just feels so good. So refreshing and clean to have that relationship with God. He brings so much peace, it's outstanding.
So maybe I can't share everything with my family, but at least they know pieces of it now, right? 2 years down and almost 1.5 years self injury clean. Feels good. Feels really good. Bits and pieces are out and that's perfect for me. Somewhere along the line it'll all come together for something greater. God works in great ways.
Am I nervous for the semester? Heck yes. Challenged beyond belief.
Am I excited for the semester? For twloha? for EVERYTHING? Heck yes. Beyond belief.
Here's to a semester of hope with God as my wing man.
God bless. <3
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Salt & Light
I need to make a bigger and better update, but a lot has happened lately. Many things have happened in my life that I'm slowly and closely trying to process. Summer's closing out and my thoughts are racing toward the semester, toward the doors that are wide open and the others creaking closed. It's mind blowing. However, there's a little less than 2 weeks and I'm determined to do everything I can to just breathe & live it out the way I'm meant to. Spiritually, this has been a wonderful summer and God's hands will continue to shape me and harbor me in love this semester. I've made a promise to myself this semester not to cheat myself out my relationship with Him. I don't ever want to give that away to the wind and I won't. I can't change the love and devotion I have for Jesus. No way. No how.
So, why name this entry "Salt & Light" Well, I'll say it's because of Matthew 5:13-14, but it's also because of a song from the band August Burns Red and their song, "salt & light" and how these two mediums have brought different messages. Impacted me in two different ways. God's word and the gift of music. Wonderful. My goodness.
It's been bitter at times- both this summer and in my life. And I've taken a lot of time to process and finally accept some of the moments that have really stung deep at my core. To filter out the fluff of my story and just be totally vulnerable. It's been pain. But now, I'm finally just learning to breathe easy and take some chances. To paint the beauty of a picture and find the strength in the fact that God is and will always be my Savior. It's been a beautiful and sometimes distasteful process, but I wouldn't dare change it. This is the time to climb the mountain of my thoughts, my emotions, my fears and mistakes, to reach the epitome of God's grace. Take the salty tears and the rough exterior only to push forward and find the hope of Jesus. The light of His Kingdom and pillar of strength.
That's me this semester. That's my internal desire.
The lead singer of August Burns Red has created an organization, Your Life Ministries, which is based on the vulnerable and uncomfortable truth of stories. It's beautiful. I'm in love and in hope. It's only by grace that I was introduced to his project from a wonderful friend and inspiration.
I've recently sent an email to Jake Luhrs, the founder and he responded back wanting to know my story. It's been great and I have no idea what else is in store. I want to try and get involved with them- maybe even intern. We'll see. God's love will guide me.
Remember Matthew 5:13-14.
So, why name this entry "Salt & Light" Well, I'll say it's because of Matthew 5:13-14, but it's also because of a song from the band August Burns Red and their song, "salt & light" and how these two mediums have brought different messages. Impacted me in two different ways. God's word and the gift of music. Wonderful. My goodness.
It's been bitter at times- both this summer and in my life. And I've taken a lot of time to process and finally accept some of the moments that have really stung deep at my core. To filter out the fluff of my story and just be totally vulnerable. It's been pain. But now, I'm finally just learning to breathe easy and take some chances. To paint the beauty of a picture and find the strength in the fact that God is and will always be my Savior. It's been a beautiful and sometimes distasteful process, but I wouldn't dare change it. This is the time to climb the mountain of my thoughts, my emotions, my fears and mistakes, to reach the epitome of God's grace. Take the salty tears and the rough exterior only to push forward and find the hope of Jesus. The light of His Kingdom and pillar of strength.
That's me this semester. That's my internal desire.
The lead singer of August Burns Red has created an organization, Your Life Ministries, which is based on the vulnerable and uncomfortable truth of stories. It's beautiful. I'm in love and in hope. It's only by grace that I was introduced to his project from a wonderful friend and inspiration.
I've recently sent an email to Jake Luhrs, the founder and he responded back wanting to know my story. It's been great and I have no idea what else is in store. I want to try and get involved with them- maybe even intern. We'll see. God's love will guide me.
Remember Matthew 5:13-14.
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