Movement

Finally, finally getting some time to just sit down and update today. It's been a hectic few weeks and for most of the hours, I'm still thankful my head is on straight. I'm doing the best I can and that's all I can really ask for right now. Getting along and that's good for me. Breathing. 

I've just finished tonight's bible study. This week has really been something for me. It's a week where Beth talks about the principle of understanding that we are who God says we are and he's alright planned things in the rafters for us. This is something that has always been so hard for me to believe and I think it's because I like to have the answers myself. I like to plan and know exactly where I'm headed and why, knowing I got myself there. It's a perfectionist thing I think. It's really just hard to break. Letting go and kind of just throwing it up in the air to see where the cards fall is one of the scariest things for me. I don't want to fail in faith. I don't want to fail God. I know he's listening to me type this out and saying, "You won't fail me. You could never." Yet, I'm still unsure. I'm still hanging in a balance and trying to effectively wrap myself in letting go day in and day out. It's not easy at all. It's unsettling and at times my stomach churns about it.

I think about To Write Love and I know that God sees me doing this. God has set me on fire with this organization and these stories and he's watching work like a madwoman now. Yet, because that's so close to my heart, a piece of me is still so unwilling to let Him take that out from under me and just go. I worry too much for that spontaneity. I'm a work in progress I guess.

Passages really hit home this week. I really need some of it and to even just know that the people of Scripture of our histories and stories didn't have the answers. They weren't perfect in Faith, but they lived it. They lived it. They gave it life every single day. And with each new day as I seem to let go a little bit more, that's all I'm going to do. That's all I can do really.

Beth had a portion in day three where she asked us if we felt outnumbered. Asked us to comment on it. I love my family to death and I love the life and relationships I've been given, but I feel outnumbered at home. It's hardest to believe here sometimes, and I really have to reach inside myself to do so because my family is a major obstacle in my journey. It's not that they don't support me, it's just that I feel like I'm walking alone here. Alone in my quest with God. And yes, God's feet next to mine are enough most days, but sometimes it would be nice to have that extra boost. I can only imagine what it would be like to sit down with my mom and tell her how God is moving in me. Praying for someday.

I've started my suicide prevention training with IMALIVE this week. One more thing to add to the list. Each day that I go online and do the training sessions with other people I can't believe that I've been given this chance. A chance to hear someone's story, their struggle, and help them find a hope. A chance to rewrite some of the pain for them and to let them know that they're not alone. And each day, when I log on or wake up and think of the shift I have to do this afternoon, God is right there. He knew this was meant for me all along. He laughs at my amazement at this simply because He had seen it in my tapestry from the very beginning. God is so good and so moving. I can't contain it.

I'm going to Florida next week with my dad to visit my grandparents. He wants to check on his mother and make sure that she's doing okay since they live so far from us. I'm happy to get away- get away from textbooks and deadlines for awhile. Yet, I won't stop thinking and thanking God the whole time. He's overwhelming in me and even right now, I could cry at how I've been let into the Kingdom of His. It's amazing.

While we're there my dad had mentioned something about trying to drive out to Cocoa Florida where the Intern house is for To Write Love. I'd be face to face with my dream. I can't wait for the fall so that I can apply and anxiously and endlessly pray for the movement.

I'm so excited for everything. For God's hand in my life. I'm seriously brought to tears.

God Bless.
Phil 4: 13-14.

So badly I'm praying for this. This. is. everything.

Glory

This week- these past few weeks have been absolutely insane. Between summer classes, AU stuff, TWLOHA stuff, Bible study and everything else swirling around I've been really crazy.

I'm starting week 3 of Bible study tomorrow. I feel like yes, I should be further along. I should be starting further into this and making more time to devote to scripture. Yet, I know God sees me working hard. God knows that I can handle everything that he's given to me. It's definitely been a challenge and a balancing act lately.

There's definitely pieces of my faith that I wish more and more to share with my family. I listened to an Epic podcast this weekend and when my dad came in asking what I was doing? I wish I could have really told him. I wish I could share some of the things I'm learning and the comfort I'm finding in God's hand. It's not that my parent's aren't supportive of what I do- it's just a challenge to talk about my Faith with them. To talk about the fact that I really and wholeheartedly want to give my life over to God and do whatever it takes to grow in Him. I'll just keep praying for that day to happen. It's in the works. I can feel the strength motivating me.

There's been a ton of things happening with to write love, and with me finding out who I am through the organization. What my story really is and how that incorporates into God's plan. I went to Arcadia this past week for a summer orientation day and kind of pitched the idea of our Uchapter and some of the things I've been hoping to get accomplished. Two kids came up to me later in the day and shared their stories with me- of their own struggles and how it is that they want to get involved when they come in the Fall. I kid you not when I say that I broke down. Broke down at the sheer joy and the absolute grace that people care about this message as much as I do. It's outstanding and every time I really stop to think about it, I can't even fathom the process.

 On a break period that day I sat outside Landman Library, under the weird tree where everyone thinks you're being a creeper, and simply thanked Jesus. I praised Him for giving me the strength and the power to do this. For giving me the skills and the courage to pursue this dream even after everything that's happened in the past year. This organization, this message has given shaped to my story. I didn't get it at first. I more or less developed the woe is me attitude and blamed God. I blamed God for a lot of things, but during this summer, and through some of the things that I have been faced with in the year? I'm amazed by God. I'm amazed by His love and openness for me. For my journey and for my love to grow in Him. It felt good to just sit down, reflect, and praise Jesus. Praise Jesus for His glory. An awesome personal worship moment for me.

I've seen my best friend this past weekend. Although her past, my past, and our memories challenge me and my heart almost every time I see her, we're doing okay. She's 5th months pregnant now and says that the baby kicks when she goes to sleep every night. I was hoping it would kick for me, but I wasn't lucky enough yet. Sooner or later I'll have the pleasure of feeling that little miracle. I know it.

Thinking on it now I just hope God gives her the right direction. If she keeps this baby she'll have support. If she puts it up for adoption, it'll be loved no matter what. She told me the other day she doesn't think she'll be a good mom. It took every inch of me not to cry. Whatever happens with this baby I know that she'll be a good mom- whether she makes the this decision or she finds the strength to keep it for herself. God's watching her. We talk about her every night. About how things have changed, about how she's changed and she needs God's love more than ever.

It's been a journey so far this summer, but everyday I feel a little bit more empowered. A little bit stronger because of God's touch. I never understood when people said that, but now it just overwhelms me to the fullest capacity. How great is our God!

God is good. God is so good.
I wish you all well. <3

Update tomorrow! I promise.
Things have been crazy. God is wonderful.

<3

It's now Sunday and I still haven't posted.
I'm sorry!
Tonight or tomorrow! DEFINITELY.

What makes you follow Jesus?

One of my friends saw this blog and asked me that the other day. She understood that I've always considered myself a Christian, but have recently become more active in trying to live out my faith for Jesus. Lately, I've considered myself to be really touched by the words of Scripture and just trying to become an active member of God's land. It's such a compelling experience that when she asked me, I couldn't help but answer in anything other than this:

Jesus is so good. I'm finally connecting with the idea that He wants his followers to know him like the man he died to be. He wants us to seek him over and over again. Continue seeking until we reach every avenue- even then we will NEVER understand all of his greatness. I have begun following Jesus, continued following Jesus and practicing his words, living my faith because it's the one thing that's keeping me grounded. I follow Him because the message- the security of His love is just like a fever I don't ever want to shake. Ever. I know that sounds like a cheesy expression, but I can't put it in any other words than this.

I've done a lot of thinking lately who I was before this journey started- before I made the decision to reinvest and ignite my relationship with God. I've been thinking back a lot to last semester. Honestly, my whole mindset was different than what it is right now. My perspective on the world is always changing and through every challenge, I know God is there reaching down inside of my soul and motivating me forward. There's something filling, some kind of thirst that is filled over and over again in knowing that I can seek Him. There's a lot of work in bible study this week about personally increasing your faith and asking God to increase it for us. I cannot tell you how many times I've asked Him to keep coming at me full force. I want nothing more than His grace, his love, and to prove my devotion.

What makes me follow Jesus? Truth. Hope. Love. Comfort. Awesomeness. The journey of life.

I still feel like I'm on a high with this whole process- renewed every single day. Every time I sit down to read the words of scripture and tackle with myself, I feel God guiding me through the pages, pointing me toward the greater missions. I am blessed for this chance beyond belief. I feel the best I have in a long time.

I only wish I could share this strength, His comfort with my family. I'll continue praying. Always.

I hope everyone's doing well out there! You deserve the best.

Romans 4:17

With Hope.

I promise for a better update

soon.

It's been crazy here and I'm just trying to reach inside and get through. This week's important with all of my work for classes and a few things for Arcadia that I need to just iron out before Friday.

I might be busy, but I don't think I've ever felt more at ease than I do right now. I haven't felt this peaceful, this spiritually rested in a long time. I've really come to terms with the fact this is something I'm going to keep doing for myself. Keep driving faith because that's the kind of relationship I want with Jesus. Now that I've effectively opened the door I'm not going to let it close once again. No matter what obstacles might be here on the home front, I've got  Jesus and that's all that matters.

It's what I've been telling myself each night before I go to sleep.

As I said, I promise to update more later on the week. It's just a lot to get in and this blog means more to me than anything.

Greg and Ashley- I know I've written to both of you already, but thank you again for just being so welcoming to me through this whole process. It's only the beginning, but I'm more at ease now than I think ever before. Being able to share this experience with you both, to just know that I can go to you both if necessary, is one of the biggest comforts in my life. This definitely hasn't been easy, but I feel myself getting stronger every single day.

Phil. 4:13 (again). It's just really sinking in for me right now.

I heard this in the car this morning driving to school and it's been stuck ever since. Key to my life.

Work

Phil. 4:13

I'll update later on today. :)

Hands

This is exactly how I feel this morning. There's a lot I reach out for these hands to do- but God's grace reaches down and takes my hand every single day.

God is good. Glory is forever.

Goals

That emotion I spoke about last night is still swirling around here today. I think it's just a combination of nerves, hopes, goals and so much more.

A friend of mine asked about the bible study I was doing with Beth and I think she's going to do it too. We talked about it for a good portion of time today. It's amazing to just let the walls down and talk about God. Talk about some of the things I can see and feel Him doing. It's peaceful. It's a new feeling, and I think it's all really hitting me full force. I have always identified myself as Christian, as a follower of Christ, and I've tried my best to live up to that. This is different though. I feel completely renewed and each day makes me a little stronger in Him. I'm learning and growing every single day and I'm so thankful for that. It's nice to stand up and firmly say I am a follower ad believer of Jesus. It's refreshing going to sleep under his Grace after completing a day's worth of bible study. I'm just vibrant with hope.

To Write Love stuff is going well. I'm working on it piece by piece everyday- in between four classes and my wonderful kids. It's a busy schedule everyday, but I don't want it any other way. I'm not meant for anything else. I've got an email into Holly at To Write Love and we're going to finalize everything for the uchapter. I have to send in the last bout of paperwork and then just pray. Meet with Heather when I get to Arcadia next and just pray. Pray for strength to make this happen. Pray for insight in being the driving force. Pray for guidance from God as to the direction I'm intended to go with this. It's been amazing how everything sprouts up before you eyes. How faith can stem inside of us and give us the branches to reach our dreams. It's happening. It's all happening.

I have no idea what kind of activities we'll do, but that's a sector for the fall. I have some wonderful people on my team and I'm amazed at the power we have. We work so well together I'm just in awe. This process has been so much fun, so much learning, and I thank God for every step. Everyone who helped and walked with us, you mean the world to me. Know and remember that.

God, give me whatever it is you have next for me.

I'm praying for Fall. Praying for the doors and the amazement I'll see. Anxious for ACF which I'll find a way to get to, and the various relationships I'm hoping for. It's going to be a challenge, but that's the fun in life sometimes. This all makes so much sense to me- it seems so clear just because I know God is laying out the tapestry. No, I don't see every purpose right away, but I know that it's there. It's present and He's moving me more toward him every single moment of every day. I'm loving it.  Fall means applying for the To Write Love internship. The golden chance. my dream.

Whatever happens, happens. As long as I remember the messages of God, and share them in any caliber, nothing else matters.

My friend literally just texted me and asked me to join her honors project organization, Teen Uprise. She started it at her youth group in Roxboro and is looking to bring it to Arcadia. It's a project that's dedicated to children who come from broken homes and broken promises- to help them reach their goals. Whether it's spiritual, emotional, social, academic or anything, we're meant to be a resource for them. I kid you not when I say that she just asked me to do it. Claims that I'll be perfect for the process- to teach the kids the grace of God and make them understand they're worth it. That they are beautiful and that dreams are possible.

I'm in shock. Shock of beauty and of purpose. This opportunity sounds beautiful and I cannot wait to see what God has in store for me- what happens from here. She's emailing the advisor and I should hear back in a few days. Stoked.

We're all worth it. Jesus is beyond amazing.
Glory forever.

With hope.

"I will worship you
When chains are broken
When healing is coming
When you're forgiveness floods my heart
This is my brand new start
I will worship you"