Right now is the hour and a half I dedicate to writing and updating this blog, both for myself and just to look back and appreciate exactly what it is that I've been given in these last few months. It's a complete whirlwind. It's a complete menagerie of open doors that just, as hard as I keep trying to slam them closed, fail to stay shut. It's been a balancing act to say the least and it's been, no doubt for a college student, hard to relinquish some of those ties up to God entirely. I feel like that's just one of those pieces of the puzzle I'll be working to comprehend fully as I keep walking alongside Jesus.
I've recently been given a job with the non- profit online community called Heart Support. It's an organization created toward promoting discussion of overwhelming issues like addiction, suicide, pornography, anxiety, depression and the continual realms of mental health problems our world seems flooded with at times. It's an online internship, no interaction except for skype and emails, where I'm basically having my job created for me each step of the way.
This initially began as a long shot. It was an email to a guy named Jake Luhrs, telling him how high and heavy this organization has been affecting my life since I'd heard about it 6 months before. It was an email sharing pieces of my story, of admitting the struggle with self- injury, of trying to just communicate that to someone because I was in a really bad place.
A few weeks later it was an email to ask if they had any volunteer or internship positions available. A few weeks later it was a message to share my testimony to share what Heart Support really means to me. A month ago it was an email saying he and his wife had been praying for direction as to how to proceed. A week later it was an email welcoming me to the team, to outlining my duties and just endless correspondence with a gracious offer. A week later it began.
Two and a half weeks later and I'm working almost 2 hours a day managing social networks sites, praying for and with those who log in, doing some of his tour details, blogging from a personal standpoint, and now, counseling the people that write into us. Two weeks later and it's having coffee, my computer, bible gateway, my bible, and just prayer to know that God will guide my words in whatever way He sees fit.
Oh, and then there's that thing called graduation and an undergraduate curriculum to worry about. There's the requirements to meet, the papers to write, the tests to study for, the events to plan and the sleep to somehow pencil in between. Somewhere along the line I've to remember to breathe. Then again, we all do, don't we?
I've spent so much of my life seeking approval and validation from the world and the people around me. Whether it's through grades, peoples comments, or just general appreciation, I've never really seen my worth through the eyes of God. I've always succumb to the approval and insistences of others. And currently I'm still piecing through that. Still trying to mend some of those broken and prayed heart strings.
Don't get me wrong, I lovelovelovelovelove my job. These past two weeks have been amazing because I'm able to connect with the world over. I'm able to share my appreciation and knowledge of the Lord with others, and sometimes, with people who aren't sure of His existence at all. Just the other night I had someone emailing me to say that she didn't know Jesus, but that she knew great darkness. She said that after reading some of our blogposts, and after speaking to Jake and myself she had begun to pray. She had asked Jesus to come and move in her and begin their journey. I sat on my bed and just balled. Who am I to have this opportunity placed in my life?
And so when the world seems to so stressful. When so much of the current seems to swallow us whole and distort the pieces of the world, it's moments like these that refill the jar. It's moments like these where I need to regroup, need to become vulnerable and watch as God can continue to speak in me and out to those who seek our counsel. It's not about being right. It's not about knowing enough pieces of the gospel to share with others. Instead, it's about being brave enough to begin the conversation of Jesus. It's being brave enough to place our feet on rough territory and taking the moments to say, "Hold on. Hold on and let's walk through this together." It's about leaving the light on and sifting the soil so that more can be planted. And right now, I need to desperately remember that.
Too many times I've spent moments saying, "Oh man. I hope this is right. I hope that this is how this is supposed to go." When really it shouldn't be that at all. Instead, I should be a thousand times more vulnerable and broken in those moments. Instead, I should be as one August Burns Red song explains,
"Show me the way. Take me in your arms. Never let me go. Lord, show me the way, as I give myself to you. Never let me go. Hold me with your everlasting love. Be my strength. Be my voice. Be my glory. Set me free"
None of it is my own anymore. If I fully believe in all that God says He is, all that He says He can do, then I need to face the fact that the blueprint wasn't mine from the beginning. The plan has been treaded on a thousand times and it'll be treaded on a thousand more. The tapestry's not meant for my hand. It's meant for that which is much bigger and I need to put the light on in my heart and study that completely. I'm being called to those moments. Right now, I see the paintings of Easton. I hear the scuddling of footsteps and the overwhelming conversations of many. I see students milling in a direction toward a specific purpose. I see a quiet building with a sense of personal ambition. I see a campus racing toward the finish line and students just pumping full of caffeine so as not to lose ourselves. I look outside at this new season and I see hope. I see redemption. I see new buds, but I don't see that in the eyes of my fellow students.
I see souls with heavy burdens. I read stories everyday of the same hardships. I feel the blood pounding inside as anxiety increases. Then in those freeing moments, when I get a second to just breathe and close my eyes before beginning the next prayer requests, before writing to the next student, before typing one more passage into bible gateway or completing my homework, I thank God for where my feet are planted. May I be His always and not feel the weight of the world crushing down.
Sturdy feet planted here. Grounded here. His words intact. That's the beauty.
Reclaim. Restore. Rise Above.
